Day 63

I apologize for not keeping everyone updated. I have had a rough few days. People ask and I say I am okay but that is almost always a lie. Not that I intend to lie, the one thing we will not stand for in this household is a lie. We have always explained to our children if they did something wrong and admit to it they may or may not get into trouble but if the did something wrong and lied about it they would always get I to trouble and it would be much worse. I know people don't want to hear what's really going on with me, they just ask as a common courtesy and I reply okay as a common courtesy because if I am not sick enough to be in the hospital then I am okay, even if I feel terrible, I have felt worse and so compared to that I am okay. I know many people with this condition that hate for people to ask how they are because there is no simple answer and they really hate when people say they look great because they know how truly bad they feel. I came across an old lady I wanted to punch at one point because I was not holding down a bite of food but my IV nutrition was packing weight on me and she made the remark, " you are getting as fat as I am." I don't know why that made me so angry, I guess because with no food or drink I had gained so much weight and because that was just a rude comment. One of the worst things that goes with this is the bloating and I am not talking about normal bloating. I can go from a perfectly flat stomach to looking like I am 8 months pregnant within 5 minutes, talk about painful, and the only way to get any relief is constant belching because any regular functions just don't work. My home health nurse is almost alway baffled when she listens to my stomach and hears absolutely no bowel sounds. I know I am getting into things people don't want to hear about which is my point exactly. My kids are on spring break this week and I want nothing more than to spend time with them and have a blast, not lay here on this couch. I do have to go get dresses and something for Elijah to wear to Micah's wedding so that will be fun. I love to shop, I just wish it didn't take so much out of me. I know it is going to be difficult getting anything taken care of as far as referrals to Mayo and things like that this week because of the upcoming holiday. I remember when I led Drama at church and we came up with a brilliant Easter play and my part was to write a prayer from Mary's heart. God gave me the most beautiful words and I have since list that writing but I remember most of it. Another year when I was leading the children we did an Easter play called the Easter Tree and that was really good too. I miss being in ol Ed in church. Now the best I can do is lay on this couch and listen on the radio or watch on my computer the podcast. I miss when Brother Donnie would tell me what his sermon was about and I would pray and reflect and God would give me the most amazing children's sermon to go along with it. I miss being on the praise team. I miss leading the children's music and motions. I miss being me. More than anything I miss the wife and mom I was. My sweet Clint and amazing children still adore me as I do them but I miss being truly present. As you can see I am having a it of a pity party and I will stop that right here. If there are days I don't write please don't give up on me, it is just a rough day. I want more and more people to follow me on this journey so they can be blessed abundantly, pressed down, and running over! Blessings are supposed to be shared and if they are not they might just stop all together. I pray everyone who reads this today will have a desire that has been in your heart for so long, you think it will never come, that it is fulfilled this very week! Our God is so good. Our God is an Awesome God. I love God so much because He loved me first. I pray everyone reading this is able to have a relationship with God just like this.
Lots of Love
And Laughter,
Betsy