Day 351

Worry. We all do it even though we know better. Worry can't help a single thing but it can harm you in so many ways. It can make you emotionally off balance. It can make your good health bad or your bad health worse. It can make you spiritually blocked. It takes away peaceful sleep, precious moments that you can never get back. Worry is a whole lot like cancer and I believe in some cases it can cause cancer. Jesus tells us as His own not to worry in such a beautiful way in Matthew 6, not even to seek after the things we need because He knows our every need and if we truly seek Him first then all the things we need will come. It never says we will get all the things we want, but on that front, if the things you want, the deepest desires of your heart are intertwined with the desires He has for you than all you have to do is ask. He says we have not, because we ask not, or we ask halfheartedly. A life filled with worry is a life filled with turmoil and nobody wants that. But you sometimes have to ask yourself how to stop worrying, how to let things go. I think the first step to letting go of worry is to realize that you have absolutely no control over the things that worry you. I know that can scare you even more and increase your worry but not if you look at it from the right perspective. If we are not in control then who is? God is in control of everything. Trust Him and He will give you that peace that defies understanding. Trust Him and watch as the needs you were so worried about, the hole you dug so deep that you can't see the light of day are filled in the most obscure ways. Nothing is too big for God. Trust Him to meet your needs, and after all the decorations, sights, sounds, and smells of Christmas fade away keep the true meaning of it in your heart every day. Parents, watch your child grow and change daily and imagine what those first months, first years of Jesus' life might have been like. I can tell you I want to worry right now because there is so much to worry about. I hate being that way so I fight it. There are times when all i see is negativity, and that just causes a vicious cycle of negativity and suddenly you see the worst in everything and everyone. The wonderful thing is that there is a flip side to that coin and the same way you can find the negative you can find the good, positive, beacon of light in everything and everyone. My prayer for every day comes from Proverbs 31, "She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness." I don't always succeed and it breaks my heart to know I have been ugly to anyone but especially my children. I never want to be a cause of pain for anyone in any way. I know that, bar none, is the hardest part about being ill, seeing the pain it causes others. Lord, bless everyone who reads this post, meet them where their needs are, fill them with true love, true joy, and true peace, bring the desires of their heart to the center of your will! Amen!

Day 349

I would like to start by apologizing for taking so long to write in here. I hope I haven't lost any followers because of it. I had an outpatient surgery that went very well, then there is everything that goes along with the holidays. After not doing much of anything for so long and recovering from surgery I went about the hustle and bustle of shopping, wrapping, and cooking. Luckily I had a whole bunch of good help, but I still did way more than I should have and every muscle in my body was hurting and it felt like my feet were going to fall off. That was not the worst of it, because of everything my symptoms were severely magnified. This is the first time I felt good enough to write. I was so happy to have all of my close family in and be able to attend my sweet Granny's 90th birthday party. To this day that lady is the epitome of grace and love. I strive to be more like her every day. She is such a Godly lady and I am so happy to have her as a role model along with the fact that I would never be here if it wasn't for her.  She would be the first to tell you that just because Christmas is over doesn't give us the right to stop giving and sharing, loving and caring, the way we seem to only do for the holidays. I covet her prayers as well as all of yours! I am so ready to be healed and know I will be in God's time; but for a time such as this I want nothing more than to be a help and comfort for those of you who are suffering, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. Right now I need to rest but I promise to do my best to write more often and hopefully with more meaning!

Day 333

I went to sleep last night fighting a severe migraine, extreme nausea and indigestion. I always have very vivid dreams but this  one was interesting and maybe just to me but I want to share it anyway. So I am deeply in this serious dream where Clint and I are building our dream home and it seems so real even his cousin showed up with BBQ and came to help but then all of the sudden I start goofin around with Clint following him around to different parts of the house and knockng him over and saying, "Well, Shute, why did you fall down?" In a silly country voice and then would say, "Well it's okay, because your good enough, smart enough, and gosh darnet people like you!" So then in our silly fashion Clint knocks me over and we are laughing so hard that I snort which makes us laugh even harder then I snorted even louder and actually woke myself up because I was either snoring or snorted for real and when I woke up I was still laughing. So I finally realize this was a dream and my migraine, nausea and indigestion is even worse so I couldn't go back to sleep and thought I would share a silly part of my mind that if it were not the middle of the night I might have never shared. I love how even when you don't feel good something so silly can make you laugh even if it is just inside your own head. On a more serious note I am having surgery at Glenwood in the morning. It should be an easy outpatient procedure so just pray all goes well. Thanks! Hope you are not up in the middle of the night. 

Day 330

It is a brand new day and it has been a wonderful one. Yesterday, not only was I able to cook a delicious birthday meal for my Noah, but I was able to eat and did not get sick! First day since I can remember. Another reason that was so great is because I have been without my IV nutrition for 3 weeks now, so I have been really hungry. The only reason I have been without is because the company that supplied my TPN and IV meds took that long to discover that they are not in network with my new insurance. Up to this point they have been amazing at getting everything I needed, but they really dropped the ball on this one. Luckily I had some extra IV fluids to keep me from dehydrating so hopefully when I go in for an outpatient surgery on Thursday they can find a vein to start an IV or hopefully use my central line. In the past they have had to stick me up to 12 times to get an IV going so I pray that won't be the case. Today I had energy I haven't had in such a long time. I was able to do some much needed housework, teach Elijah his full lesson, and feel good most of the day. Late this afternoon I started feeling my usual self. That is kind of sad to say, that my usual self is pretty much awful, but I am so thankful for the majority of the day I got to feel like a normal person and enjoy my sweet Elijah!

Day 329

19 years ago on this day I gave birth to my first child, Noah. I am so proud of all of my children. I suppose every parent is. Not everyone knows this, but Noah saved my life. I was going down a very dark road. I was so hurt by things I had allowed people do to me and some things I didn't allow but happened all the same. I felt so worthless, like the scum below the scum that bottom feeders wouldn't touch. I hated hypocrites and yet I became the biggest one of all. At that point I felt like I deserved to be mistreated. I didn't want to live but I knew I could not take my own life. So I lived a wreckless, painful life. I originally had such strong values and I just threw it out the window. Still I has some lows I thought I would never reach, that is until I did. I tried so hard to bury and numb my pain but instead I kept making it worse. Then I came to the night I should have died, the night I did die for a time. This story I have only shared with a select few until this point, but if it can keep someone from the pain I went through then I must share it. That night I had so much alcohol and drugs in my system I never should have woke up. I remember being in a beautiful garden. The colors were like none I had ever seen on earth. They were so alive and they even sang. Yes colors sang. There was a beautiful stone bench and at first I thought I was talking to an angel, it wasn't until later I realized it was Jesus in all of His glory and He didn't look a thing like any picture I had ever seen. I remember saying, "I want to see Ethan!" But Jesus told me, "Betsy, I can't let you see anything else. You have to go back. There is still so much you have to do." The next thing I remember is being slammed back into my body and I was stone sober. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. About a month later I saw an old friend at my brother's graduation and he had invited me to church several times and I told him I was going to church with him the next day. I went and saw a youth pastor I knew from before and he asked me if I had plans for the following week and I said no, then he invited me to youth camp. There I rededicated my life to God and my entire pregnancy I prayed that my child would not pay for my sins and that prayer was answered. I gave birth to a perfectly healthy, beautiful baby boy at 7:20am. My life was changed forever, that child saved my life and brought me back to God. I am so proud of the mighty man of God he has become! Throughout his life God showed me that he would not pay for my sins, through his character and his brilliance. And now that I am sick, he wants to save my life again. The work he is doing in college even as a freshman is to get to a point to find a cure for my incurable disease. God really does work all things together for good, even if we cannot see the good in it at the time, even if it is the most painful thing you have ever encountered. Have faith, this too shall pass!

Day 326

It has been such a rough couple of days. I have been waiting 3 weeks on my IV nutrition and meds and it took the this long to find out they were not covered by my insurance. I have spent the last few days sleeping or miserable. I want nothing more than to go to sleep right now but my pain is unbearable. I really hope this gets sorted out without me having to go back into the hospital. All I want to do is make Noah's birthday so special. And to stop hurting. 

Day 324

I was so sure I would be asleep by now. My pain has been unbearable all day. I would sleep for a while to hide from it but when it gets this bad it controls me not the other way around. I seem to be at a loss for words, when I started this entry I thought I had something to say but maybe I need you to say something to me. If you have any words for me please share. I can't wait until my new "great" insurance decides I can have my IV nutrition and meds back. I have gone 2 weeks without it waiting on their approval. What a collassal mess everything is right now. Can you help me? Can you please pray for me? I really need it right now.