Day 560

I want to write about a very strange but very real dream I had the other night. I wasn't in it except as a witness. There were two couples who vacationed together every year and while they were on vacation before they went to bed for the evening they would gather together in prayer and immediately after the prayer one of the husbands said he had a announcement to make and you could see his wife well up with tears. The man finally got the words out, "you know I have been batteling  throat cancer for a long time now, but God has healed me. The doctors can't explain it other than it is a true miricle." I woke up with a sore throat and just remember thanking God for healing that man, over and over. 

I know of so many young people with my condition along with other complications that don't survive this every year, and I know God is going to heal me, but I can't help but wonder why I will be healed when all these sweet lovely young people are not healed. I know every breath I take is God's grace alone and I hope and pray that they can use the study I was in to find a cure for this wretched disease. I really want to make a difference in people's lives. I never want to take for granted all the blessings God gives our family each and every day. I know from studying the Bible that He uses those who are weak so there is no doubt that God gets all the glory. I am weak and even though I don't know how right now, I do know He will use me to help people in my situation or worse situatuations. Forgive me if I use this forum to rant sometimes but I am only human and I do get scared and angry and weary and sometimes I have such strong hunger pains but know if I eat it is just going to make me even more sick. I hope if you read this blog it will be a blessing to you and I pray for every soul that reads this blog that God would meet you where your needs are and bless you abundantly. 

Day 555

I have been sick for so long it is hard to distinguish that from my life but my illness is not my life and my live is not my illness. I am so proud to the the wife of such an amazing versatile man. He works with computers but comes home and builds a room so we can have our own space. Recently he has been remodeling Elijah's room and built him a loft bed that would have been $4,000. I can't wait to post pictures of the finished product. I am so proud of him and love him so much. Then I have my amazingly brilliant children. I could brag on them for days but if you know them you are bragging on them for me, that's how amazing they are. I have been a baker, a banker, a teacher, a children's minister, but my most important job has been wife and mother and thank God I can still do that job no matter how sick I am. I woke up this morning feeling like I have been punched in the gut 100 times in my sleep I still know God will heal me I know it will be His perfect timing I just hope it's sooner rather than later. 

Day 544

My heart is filled with ache. My sweet wonderful uncle Bill Lofton is in CCU scheduled to have a quadrupal bypass in th morning. Please pray for him and his family. I have never mentioned this to anyone but them but we chose Cindy and Bill to take care of our children if anything happened to us. That is how highly we think of them and how much we love them. To top that off my mom is back in the hospital and they have asked her if she wants to be put on a ventilator. For those of you that don't know, mom has Parkinson's, diabetes, and a whole bunch of other problems. Please keep my family in your prayers and pray that I can stay strong enough for my babies. I cannot fall apart physically or emotionally right now. I tend to eat when I am upset and eating and my body don't mix and at this point there is no way I can end up in the hospital. When most people ask you to pray for them a common response is that is the least I can do for you, but I always say no, that is the most you can do for me. 

Day 532

This is going to be a wonderful but bitter sweet 4th. My Granny and Grandad were married on the 4th. My granny is the epitome of Grace and love. My grandad served in World War II and the Korean War. He was such an amazing man, not only doing everything for his family, but serving as a Shriner and being there for families all over, praying with them, rejoicing in recovery, and mourning when someone he may have only know a week is lost. 

While we were in Arizona going to the Mayo Clinic he passed away. Since then we all rally around our granny and keep making all the special occasions, special. I have a good feeling that this is going to be one of the best ever. 

My youngest brother and his new wife are coming in early under sad circumstances. Someone he held very near and dear to his heart has passed away. 

As for my health, to look at my bloodwork I am better than normal but my body tells me different, when I am to weak to move or shaking in pain or losing 15lbs in less than 2 weeks, I know something is not right but there is nothing any doctor will change because my blood work looks so great. The worst is when people say, "but you don't look sick"  but I suppose it is what it is.