I get it.

After my amazing healing story that God gave me years before it happened I got very frustrated and even depressed. You think, how can you be depressed when God has done something so amazing in your life? He just showed me it is because I still want to do things on my time when His time is perfect. I will share my story with the whole world, but for now I have to wait until He puts everything in place. Waiting is hard, and it has been difficult relearning how to live. I spent so many years just fighting to survive so now I must learn to live. That is a lesson we can all learn. I tried to sit down and write my book and started on it. I was so excited. Then one evening after babying my laptop, I just closed it and heard a loud crack. It was broken. That really bothered me because we cannot afford to replace it or even repair it. Then my dryer broke, and our air conditioner went out in our fairly new just out of warranty car. To top that off our only bathroom is in desperate need of repair. I started to get really depressed. Then God showed me something amazing. All of this is happening for a reason. I need to wait, to be still and watch what He has in store for us. It is not time to write, so he took my laptop away and made sure I couldn't do anything about it. It is time to pay close attention. He is not done teaching me yet. So God, I get it! I know how much You love me and that You want what is truly best for me, not what I think is best. I trust You! And so I wait....... I will let you know how it turns out!

For my unborn child

This is for the child I never knew. You were taken away from me with such cruelty. I dream of holding you in my arms, of you playing with your brothers and sister. How could I have know that someone I trusted would decide on their own that I was too poor and too young to have a second child? Sure your daddy and brother and I were living in a 1 bedroom apartment. I was going to college. We didn't have much but all I needed was a test from a doctor to get insurance to take care of you. The nurse thought she knew better. She convinced the doctor it was for the best. I was so young and nieve. I trusted them. The doctor asked me if I planned you or wanted you. I told him you were not planned but would be loved and adored. Why didn't he listen? How could he do that? He took an oath to do no harm. He broke that oath. He took you from me without even asking. Before I knew it or could do anything and you were still with me but my womb was broken. I just had to go home and let you go. I held you in my hand. You were so tiny. I am so sorry I didn't protect you. I dreamt about you last night. I know I will see you one day. Until then know that I love you so much!