Day 68

After the past couple of days I spent this entire day sleeping on the couch and to be honest I am ready to go back to sleep now. I was so glad to spend all of Tuesday out with all of my children and all of Wednesday out with my girls. Shopping yesterday made me realize I cannot wear what I used to. Hope and I tried on the same dress but I knew when we walked in the store it was for Hope, who mentioned for the first time, "Man, I really am a teenager." After that I realized I am pushing 40 fast. But I have to say it doesn't bother me when people think I am 23. Noah is getting his senior pictures tomorrow so I guess that means it is time to gather everybody's addresses. Hopefully my sister has them from her boys graduation. I am going to go now because I have a migraine and I feel like I am not making any sense.
Lots of Love
And Laughter,
Betsy

Day 67

After yesterday and today I am so wiped out. I had to go take care of insurance and find dresses for Micah's wedding. We had fun but a bit to much. Halfway through the mall my body was given out thank goodness Dress Barn came to the rescue. I just hope it doesn't take too long to recover. For a little while I was having a blast with my Hopie and Krystian. I didn't even think of myself as being sick until it hit me all at once. I am very tired and weak but I do have more amazing news. I got a call from the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville to set up my appointment. That was so fast after such a long time of fighting and pushing and shoving trying to get any help. The moment has arrived.

Day 66

This has been a very tiring but very productive day. I went to the doctor first thing this morning and he got all my medication straight, got my TPN where it needs to be, got me an appointment with another local doctor that hopefully will help me my other medical need, and got me a call from Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville to start that process. I was able to go to Walmart and get some supplies and go get Noah's shirt for the wedding. I will sleep good tonight. Needless to say I am tired and a bit out of my mind tonight but I wanted to share the good news. I hope y'all have a wonderful evening.
Lots of Love
And Laughter,
Betsy

Day 65

I am so happy to have my kids out for spring break and a little sad knowing that Noah's senior is winding down to an end. My little man is about to leave the nest and any mother who has gone through that knows its not easy. Elijah on the other hand looks it as a place to put his toys. The child doesn't sleep in his own room so it is basically a play room anyway and he honestly thinks he is going to get another play room. I go to my normal doctor tomorrow. Hopefully we can get my meds straight and get some of the calories out of my TPN because I keep gaining weight, which by the way really sucks because normally if you gain weight it's because you enjoying some really good food, not having what smells like baby formula put in your veins. I am also going to ask him to write a referral to Mayo for my insurance. Hopefully if they get it from 2 sources they will allow it. As far as Mayo goes if anyone has any ideas for fundraiser I would appreciate all the help I can get. I have put together several fundraisers and even got media attention for people in need that grew into an amazing fund but I just don't think it is right to do anything like that for myself. As a side not to that we did just watch Here Comes The Boom and I really don't want Clint to get into MMA. He has always wanted to be a wrestler and he may very well have gone down that road if he didn't meet me. He passed on that love of wrestling not to our boys though he tried hard, instead he passed the love of wrestling to our daughter. On a totally different note next weekend my baby brother is getting married in less than 2 weeks so I hope I have the energy to go shopping for a dress. I really enjoy writing my blog and I hope you enjoy reading it. I have so many more wonderful life stories to tell and I hope you will stick around for them. Until then...
Lots of Love
And Laughter,
Betsy

Day 63

I apologize for not keeping everyone updated. I have had a rough few days. People ask and I say I am okay but that is almost always a lie. Not that I intend to lie, the one thing we will not stand for in this household is a lie. We have always explained to our children if they did something wrong and admit to it they may or may not get into trouble but if the did something wrong and lied about it they would always get I to trouble and it would be much worse. I know people don't want to hear what's really going on with me, they just ask as a common courtesy and I reply okay as a common courtesy because if I am not sick enough to be in the hospital then I am okay, even if I feel terrible, I have felt worse and so compared to that I am okay. I know many people with this condition that hate for people to ask how they are because there is no simple answer and they really hate when people say they look great because they know how truly bad they feel. I came across an old lady I wanted to punch at one point because I was not holding down a bite of food but my IV nutrition was packing weight on me and she made the remark, " you are getting as fat as I am." I don't know why that made me so angry, I guess because with no food or drink I had gained so much weight and because that was just a rude comment. One of the worst things that goes with this is the bloating and I am not talking about normal bloating. I can go from a perfectly flat stomach to looking like I am 8 months pregnant within 5 minutes, talk about painful, and the only way to get any relief is constant belching because any regular functions just don't work. My home health nurse is almost alway baffled when she listens to my stomach and hears absolutely no bowel sounds. I know I am getting into things people don't want to hear about which is my point exactly. My kids are on spring break this week and I want nothing more than to spend time with them and have a blast, not lay here on this couch. I do have to go get dresses and something for Elijah to wear to Micah's wedding so that will be fun. I love to shop, I just wish it didn't take so much out of me. I know it is going to be difficult getting anything taken care of as far as referrals to Mayo and things like that this week because of the upcoming holiday. I remember when I led Drama at church and we came up with a brilliant Easter play and my part was to write a prayer from Mary's heart. God gave me the most beautiful words and I have since list that writing but I remember most of it. Another year when I was leading the children we did an Easter play called the Easter Tree and that was really good too. I miss being in ol Ed in church. Now the best I can do is lay on this couch and listen on the radio or watch on my computer the podcast. I miss when Brother Donnie would tell me what his sermon was about and I would pray and reflect and God would give me the most amazing children's sermon to go along with it. I miss being on the praise team. I miss leading the children's music and motions. I miss being me. More than anything I miss the wife and mom I was. My sweet Clint and amazing children still adore me as I do them but I miss being truly present. As you can see I am having a it of a pity party and I will stop that right here. If there are days I don't write please don't give up on me, it is just a rough day. I want more and more people to follow me on this journey so they can be blessed abundantly, pressed down, and running over! Blessings are supposed to be shared and if they are not they might just stop all together. I pray everyone who reads this today will have a desire that has been in your heart for so long, you think it will never come, that it is fulfilled this very week! Our God is so good. Our God is an Awesome God. I love God so much because He loved me first. I pray everyone reading this is able to have a relationship with God just like this.
Lots of Love
And Laughter,
Betsy

Day 59

We had a safe trip and are so happy to be home. I missed my children and Elijah really missed his Hopie. I have to admit I am tired but this trip was our best one yet. I really hope and pray that it will be much easier to get to Mayo in Florida between insurance, doctor referrals, and everything else. I need to get some good rest tonight because tomorrow I have to take care of my end of the business and be sure everyone else is doing their part. At least I get to do it in the comfort of my own home and at my own pace.
How long will this journey last? I haven't got a clue, but my illness has taken so much from my family that I hope for the rest of the journey to healing I will be able to be more me and less illness. Our family has always been so close knit and I want that back. So if I have the energy to do things I want to make sure it is the most important things and if I have no energy at all I want to be surrounded by my family enjoying each others company. We can have a blast just sitting and talking or looking at old pictures or making up silly songs together. Our family is truly blessed and I know we always will be, not that we deserve to be blessed no more than we deserve to go through this illness. We are blessed because we are loved by our amazing God. We are blessed because we are promised to be blessed, not without trial as you can see if you have read any of this blog, but beyond measure blessed indeed.
Lots of Love
And Laughter,
Betsy

Day 58

Have you missed me? I am sorry I dropped of the planet for the weekend, but I am here now.  We are in New Orleans for my post-op visit and the surgeon said everything looked really good from a surgical point of view but I could tell from the tone of his voice, tilt of his head, and look on his face that he wanted to be able to do so much more for me. You don't see that often in doctors anymore. When I told him we were working on getting a referral to the neurologist at Mayo in Jacksonville to hopefully get to the cause of the problem maybe then I would get some relief it seemed to give him hope. I have to say I have been at this for so long and looking for some inkling of hope from so many places and people, it was odd for me to be the one to give hope to a renowned physician. We will head home tomorrow and start the process all over again to find true help, but for now the pacer and all its parts are removed and I have healed nicely from the surgery. God has been giving us food all day today. We went to McDonald's and Clint and Elijah ordered food and I wanted a large coke, the order was just for a large drink on the meal and so the manager just gave us an extra cup. We went to Krispy Kreme hoping the Hot Now light was on, it was not, so we ordered the special 1 dozen glazed and 1 dozen mixed and before we left they gave Elijah a hat and a balloon and us an extra dozen doughnuts. Tonight we ordered Domino's and got 2 large pepperoni in addition to what we ordered. If only I could eat and enjoy without the knowledge of the sever pain and nausea to ensue. I do know it's Gods little way of telling me to worry not, not only am I going to heal you but I am going to provide for your every need and fulfill the desires of your heart. I know this because the desires of my heart are in line with Gods will and I have prayed for years that if my desires were not His desire for me that He would take it away and instead it is so close I can close my eyes and see it so clearly, even smell it. Poor Elijah zonked out about 7 and we tried to get him up to eat because he was the one who wanted the Domino's but he is out cold. We are staying at the Ramada in Metairie this time and I don't think I want to stay anywhere else. With most hotels down here costing $300 to $600 and up a night, we paid $104 a night and it is the cutest little boutique hotel. Smell clean and feels clean. I love it. Anyway, I feel I have rambled enough and so for now I bid you adieu.
Lots of Love
And Laughter,
Betsy

Day 55

If you are on the mobile version of my blog and wish to help out in any way, you can scroll to the bottom and view full web version to get to my Paypal button, i have no idea how to put it on my mobile version, sorry for the inconvenience. I am not feeling much better today but tomorrow is my Marchaversary, a day Clint and I made after realizing getting married in December was not the best time to celebrate selfish things for ourselves. Not only do we have Christmas but Noah's birthday is the 8th and Clint's Dad's birthday is in December as well as his youngest sister January 2nd and our Elijah January 3rd. As if Christmas was not enough. So we decided to do something small for our anniversary but we normally do something for ourselves on our Marchaversary but this year that is not going to be possible because of my health and every extra penny has to go to my medical care or Noah's Graduation. If anyone has any good ideas for fundraisers I am certainly open to suggestions. Noah found out something I did so selflessly so long ago. He never knew because I never told anyone, that's what selfless is. My entire life I have done everything anyone has asked of me that I had the ability to do. The funny thing is I cannot do those things for myself. Because tomorrow is our Marchaversary I would like to share our story. If you haven't noticed, I have not shared anyone's name who is not in my immediate family and that is because it is up to those people if they want you to know who they are and what role they had to play.
 This was before Facebook or Instagram, before you could see what someone looks like and their profile before meeting. I know that tells my age but that's okay. My dear friend asked me if I would like to meet someone and I have to admit i was very weary. She told me he was a really great guy and her boyfriend asked if they could bring him to Church to meet. I figured Church was a nice mutual ground and so I agreed. That next Sunday I was so nervous. He knew I had a child and I knew very little about him. When he first saw me he thought for sure I couldn't be her, I must have been 12 with my giant green eyes, but the baby I was holding looked just like me. When I first saw him all I could think was, man I could get lost in those big blue eyes, until he turned around and his tight jeans showed off his amazing butt. I know, I was in Church, but wow what a total package. We met and I knew from the first moment I saw him, something very special was happening. We talked and set up to go on a double date in the middle of the week. Our first date was great but the most memorable thing that happened was Saturday afternoon I was debating on picking up the phone to call him and invite him to Church again. When I finally picked up the phone to dial, there he was, he called me at that exact moment. As we talked, we finished each others sentences. I can remember looking out my window and saying , "Thank You God, Thank You God." Then I saw a panther sitting in my field just lying there like it was his own, so I told Clint about it and went downstairs to check it out. Luckily it ran away instead of toward me. So at Church the next day I told my youth director's wife that was him. Throughout the service she has a scowl on her face, no matter how good he looked what he had done to me was so far beyond wrong. She thought he was the father, but when she found out who he really was she was very happy for me. As we dated we were both very apprehensive. We had both been hurt so much before that trust, even though we were both very trusting people, didn't come easy at that point. We would talk for hours about nothing and about everything. We spent a lot of time talking about the Bible and God. We became best friends and I knew how much I loved him, but I was so afraid because I had been so hurt in the past by so many stupid decisions. I had a dear friend who truly loved me but I couldn't see it. I had loved him but was sure he had me in the friend zone. Anyway, my friend was at my house visiting and I wanted him to meet Clint and ask his opinion. When he saw the way Clint and I looked at each other and saw the way we were connected, he knew and I never saw him again. I was so young and naive, Clint told me that my "friend" was in love with me and he couldn't believe I didn't know it. I guess I was oblivious to everything that was not Clint. We met in February and in May I was ready to tell him I loved him. I did not want to be the first to say it but I could no longer hold it in. I went and bought a single red rose to tell him I loved him. I knew he had a special date planned and I was ready 3 hours early. It was a good thing because he showed up 3 hours early and the words that came out of my mouth were, "What are you doing here?" He thought it was because I didn't want him there then I explained I was just startled because he was so early, but I was ready so early. Anyway, he said he had a surprise for me. He walked me to his truck and had 16 red roses to tell me he loved me, on that very day. At first I said, you have got to be kidding me. He looked confused so I took him in the house and gave him the single red rose I had gotten to tell him I loved him on the same day, at the same time. This was also before The Bachelor  so it meant so much more. That was May 5th 1995. After that God showed us time and again we were meant for each other, in the smallest things to the biggest things. We constantly had moments like the roses to let us know we were chosen by God before time to be together. We talked about marriage as a possibility and he asked when and out of my mouth I blurted December and he said but when in December and i said the 16th. Later when I got home I looked at a calender and December 16th happened to be on a Saturday. I was in college and it happened to be the Saturday after finals. But he still had not proposed. I thought for sure he would do it on my birthday September 8th, but Clint always does the unexpected. Later in September Clint had to go to the dentist and we were going out that evening. He did go to the dentist, it just didn't take as long as he made out for it to take because he made a special errand. He picked me up and we were going to the Outback but he wanted to make a quick stop at his apartment, so there I was sitting on the corner of his couch he went to the back and was acting kind of nervous but then he came out and got down on one knee, showed me the ring and asked me to marry him and I responded, " You don't know how long I have waited to hear this." He responded, "well? you still haven't given me an answer." to which I said, " Yes, a thousand times Yes!" Since that day he has pampered me and treated me like a queen. He would hold the door open for me, but I had to get used to waiting for him to hold the door for everyone that happened to be going through. To this day he opens the door for me. When I was working, I would come home to dinner prepared, a clean house, homework taken care of, a bubble bath waiting for me and my clothes layed out for the next day. Since I have been ill he does everything in his power to take care of me. There is so much more to our story and it daily unfolds. We love each other more each passing day. I forgot to mention he had my ring designed just for me. It was the ring in Bride Magazine for the year but it had a marquise diamond in the center and he had them replace it with a pear diamond because that was my only request. It looks more like a crown than a ring and he has held me on a pedestal ever since. He is so sweet, loving, caring, and most of all thoughtful. Everything he does is for our family. He never has any selfish notions. He puts everything he has into his work and no matter what the job he sets out to become the best in the world at it and does exceedingly so, while never uplifting himself or boasting in any way. When God brought me My Love, He brought me the most amazing man on the face of this earth. I could go on for days and days about how wonderful Clint is and how many times he has gotten the short end of the stick because he is such a good guy, people use him. The most beautiful thing about him is that he is not naive, he knows when he is being used, but he is such a good guy that he doesn't bat an eye, he just makes sure not to be put in the same position again. He could have taken many different jobs where he would have to go off for a period of time and make much more money than he does now, but our family is one who sticks together. To this day neither of us can stand the thought of spending even one night away from each other. I guess we are the exception, not the rule. Like I said, I could go on and on, but here is where I will end. I need my medicine. I hope this will help you understand why I must be healed.
Lots of Love
And Laughter,

Betsy

Day 54

Sorry I have not been keeping up. Elijah is getting better, slowly but surely. I wish I could say the same for me, I feel that every passing day my nausea and pain get worse and worse. I go for a post op appointment on Monday and I pray that it shows that I didn't cause any problems and have a release. I still have not heard from the neurologist about referring to Jacksonville Mayo Clinic. I am so tired of having what feels a lot like the stomach flu 24/7. I really want to get to the bottom of my condition which is all I wanted to do since I was diagnosed with idiopathic gastroparesis in 2009. I am growing so weary and so sad. I so desperately want to be the wife and mother God created me to be. I see the pain in Clint and the kids eyes and pray and wish that I could make it go away, but for the time being, gastroparesis is holding my family hostage and to me that is the worst part. I could deal with all the horrible effects of gastroparesis if my family got to stay protected from it. I know this has made us all stronger because in total weakness we find the strength of God. Everything in my past, the struggles I went through, I wouldn't change one second because it has made me the woman I am today. It brought me to my love, Clint, and it brought me my amazing precious children. Until recently it also made me into a strong, independent woman. I have to admit at one time I had a boss who turned me into a shell of a person because she was verbally abusive and even listened in on my private conversations in my office through our speaker phone and she had no idea I knew that. It took me a long time to get past that and find the strong person I had become. Before that happened I had an amazing boss that begged me not to take the promotion and it wasn't long before I understood why. I have t forgotten that I owe you the beautiful story of how God brought Clint and I together. I will get to that story but I need to go now.
Lots of Love
And Laughter,
Betsy

Day 51

Considered taking Elijah to the ER tonight because he has had high fever, throwing up like crazy even with Zofran around the clock, croupy cough to persistent cough, severe nose bleed, and even taking more than one nap a day for someone who never naps; but I did not because the emergency rooms here are so shoddy and I know first hand they won't do anything for him. If he still not better tomorrow I will get someone to take us to the doctor tomorrow. Friday they said it was just an upper respiratory cold so either they were wrong or he got something else while at the doctor. I still cannot drive and not to mention my pain is not getting any better. I can't stand to see my children sick. I have to admit it is taking my mind off of being sick myself but that is not a good thing. I have to get my meds together and give Elijah a breathing treatment so another short post but I am doing the best I can. I do have to tell you I prayed with Elijah earlier today and he felt better for a little while and even held down a little bit if soup. I just pray by tomorrow he is healed because it is breaking my heart to see him so sick.
Lots of Love
And Laughter,
Betsy

Day 50

Sorry about the not so great post and going days when I haven't posted. I have been in so much pain and I am worried I may have pulled some stitches loose this evening. I really hope I didn't do any damage. I am afraid this is going to be another short entry. I also have to take care of my sweet Elijah, his little cold has turned into a fever, unable to hold anything down and a nasty croupy cough. It is never a good time for me to be sick but I am going through a really difficult spell and that makes it hard for me to take care of my Elijah as well as I should. When Hope was little and always got so sick we would sleep sitting in a chair just so she could breathe. I had to do that with Elijah when he was really young and I should be able to take care of my babies now. I remembered once before I reached a point where I knew I could not put down any more food because no delicious morsel was worth my life. Somewhere along the way I started eating again, sure nothing stays down but I ate anyway. Today was one of those days that reminded me why I cannot put anymore food in my mouth. No way is food worth my life which is crazy because we need food to survive and everywhere we go food is everywhere, but as of today I resolve not to put any food in my mouth until God allows it. I just really hope I did not do any damage today from my surgery that could result in more surgery. I have to gather the strength to take care of my Elijah and take care of college stuff that should have been done the first of this month as well as other business. Time to sleep some more because a week worth of sleeping day and night somehow wasn't enough. So I bid you adieu.
Lots of Love
And Laughter,
Betsy

Day 48

Another ikc day for me but I promised to try to write every day. The kids went to the doctor and luckily they just have a nasty cold. I slept most of today again. My life is just flying by me and even though I know these days are ones I won't get back but I thank God for the ones He waiting for me when I feel better. I can't wait to share those days with all of you because I know still that God is going to heal me in his time. Thanks for all of the prayers. They are much needed right now.

Day 47

I am not going to write much today because my pain is pretty bad and to top it off I have a migraine. I slept all night last night and until 4 today. I need to go back to sleep but I also need to ask for prayers for my sweet Hope, she is having a real bad asthma attack and I hope and pray it is not pneumonia because she used to get that so often. She will go to the doctor in the morning thanks to Krystian because I still can't drive from my surgery. I go back to New Orleans on March 18th for my follow up. I can't think straight right now so I am going to go before I write something as crazy as I have been saying this evening according to everyone else in the house I have been speaking mixed up crazy weird sentences so I just erased what I caught myself typing and am going to say goodnight.

Day 46

It is late so I won't post much. Thank you all for sticking with me on this journey. I can't believe it has been 46 days but I am willing to keep up as long as it takes until I am healed and I hope you are willing to stay with me. I decided to eat breakfast foods and now I am in pain and and things are not looking very well right now so I am going to go for the day. I will talk to you soon.

Day 45

I spent most of yesterday and today sleeping. You would think that would make me feel better but I am still so exhausted and my pain seems to be getting worse instead of better. I hope the story I shared with you yesterday wasn't overwhelming or to personal. I have many stories to share and as the one I shared yesterday, they will let you see I am less and less perfect. I know my sweet wonderful husband sees me as perfect and tells everyone how amazing he knows me to be. He knows everything about me, every flaw, every quark, every little thing and he says it is all of those things that make me perfect, maybe not perfect to the world but perfect for him. I admit I am very weird, our family sees and does most everything differently. We always say we are wonderfully weird and if that is too much for you to handle, I understand perfectly, just another trait from my weirdness. I can't wait to tell you mine and Clint's story because it is so amazing. From the very beginning I knew God brought us together and as we got to know each other, we got to know ourselves, because God showed us every step of the way that He made us for each other. You are either going to love this story or you are going to hate it. That all depends on your view of God and your outlook on love. I guess it also depends if you were in love with either one of us at the time because you could tell just by the way we looked at each other that nothing on this Earth could come between us. Maybe I will be able to tell our story one day this week, or maybe I will get sidetracked, but I will get to the most beautiful love story I have ever known aside from the Love of Christ who gave His all so we could be with Him in paradise.
Lots of Love
And Laughter,
Betsy

Day 44

It's Monday, and most people dread Mondays, but not Hope. Monday is her favorite day, She loves going to school and the beginning of a new week. Plus she gets to watch RAW, her favorite show. Right now she is in the kitchen with her friend Amber who came over to study for a project. Right now instead of studying, Hope is teaching Amber to make pancakes and scrambled eggs. She also taught her to make a grilled cheese. As a teenager if you can make that, you can survive. I am so glad I passed my love of cooking to my Hopie and my Elijah. She used to play Rachel Ray in the kitchen which was so funny to me because i used to pretend i had a cooking show but I thought you had to sound like Julia Child because we didn't have the food network growing up. I know my parents must have thought it was funny for me to be in the kitchen talking to my audience while I cooked, but it didn't seem to bother them because they got a meal and normally a dessert out of it. I always love having a house full of people and throwing parties or simple get togethers. Elijah most defiantly got that trait from me and sometimes everyday he wants us to come to a party in his room. He also got the perfectionist gene from me and if everything doesn't go just right then it is a total failure. I have worked with him on that and through that I have been able to accept that for myself I had to say no to throwing many parties and the ones I did were very scaled down. I have learned the house is how it is and life is how it is going to be for now. I know God is in control and He knows I have trouble giving up control so right now He has made me and I am so happy to hear laughter rolling through my house. My pain has gone from my surgery site and moved to more internal pain. I have done some twisting and lifting and I really hope I haven't caused a hernia because that would really suck. I really need to call and start the process to get me to Jacksonville so I can get this over with. I am having a hard time knowing my baby boy is about to be out of the house. I want to be able to spend some special time alone with with my little man before he goes off the college. I know he won't be gone for good, but I am going to miss him like a piece of my heart is being taken away. I am happy he knows where he wants to go to school and what he wants to do. I have to admit, I am happy he is not moving far away, even though schools all over the nation are recruiting him strongly.  I still owe you the story of how Noah saved my life the first time, he is working on a cure for the second time and I know he can do it because he is so very brilliant. I have to tell you this is a very private, personal story. I had to get permission before I shared it because it is not just my story. Before I got pregnant with him, I was going down a very dark road. I had been used and hurt so badly by what I thought was the love of my life. He knew my values and said he respected me for them. He told me everything I wanted to hear. After 9 months of dating I gave myself to him and 2 days later he broke up with me. I felt like he drove me out into the middle of nowhere, kicked me out of the car, smiled and left me there. I knew the Lord and I accepted Him into my heart at a young age, but even though I was saved, I felt so very lost. After that I felt lower than the worst scum. While we were dating, I slowly found myself going down a road I knew I should not, drinking and partying and still going to church, living a lie. Later I found out that while we were dating, he had been with several different girls. I was just another conquest in his little black book. I know you are wondering what this has to do with Noah, and I will get there. The summer after my senior year a family member flew me across the country to babysit his little girl. While there he molested me and almost raped me. He got me a drink and said it was okay because he was going to be there for the baby, so I drank it. Little did I know he added a whole 5th of tequila. I started feeling really woozy and he got a strange phone call, started acting really nervous, and left me there with the baby. I couldn't even pick my face up off the ground but I was so thankful he was gone. I know without a doubt God saved me from that situation because He knew it would be more than I could bear. While out there there was nobody I could talk to so I wrote and offered my calling card for that boyfriend I told you about earlier. He was in the Navy so I could not call him, so I wrote him every day that I was in a very scary situation and I didn't know what to do but I needed help and begged him to call me. When I finally got home he did call me, and he thought the "scary situation" I was in, was that I was pregnant and he was so relieved it was not that. That was the point I knew he never cared about me at all. I have long since forgiven these people and others that have taken advantage of me and pray for true joy, true peace, and true love in their lives. Anyway, at this point you can imagine how low I felt. I went from an abusive boyfriend to an ex-drug dealer who was 10 years older than me. Before, even though I would drink, I had my standards and drugs and anybody who did them were repulsive to me. A situation at home I won't go into drove me to pot, because I wanted that out of my head never to return. Then there was the night I hit my rock bottom. I had so much alcohol and drugs in my system that I should not be alive. I remember wanting to go lay down in a car and I reclined my seat and several voices said, " Betsy, you cannot go to sleep, get up." over and over until I got up, I know those were Angels and if I had gone to sleep I would be dead. Finally we headed back to the house and got pulled over, the kicker was the police officer that pulled us over was my church youth director so I had been busted on so many levels. The hypocrite had been caught. Thank God they let us go. When we got to the house I wanted to go to sleep again and everybody just laughed at me. I laid down on that couch and died. I was in a garden with a stone bench. The colors were like none I had ever seen, it was like the colors were alive, everything was beaming with life and joy. Then Jesus personally met me. I thought He was an Angel at first because He did not look anything like the pictures you see. It was Jesus in His full glory. The first thing I said was, "I want to see Ethan." He said, "Betsy, I cannot let you see anything else, you have to go back, I have so much planned for you." Then I remember being slammed back into my body and I awoke completely sober. A week later I found out I was pregnant, and every day of my pregnancy I prayed that God would not let my child pay for my sins. At 3 months pregnant I met an old friend at my brothers graduation and I told him I was going to church with him the next day. When we got there, the youth director said they were going to camp the next day and asked me to come. At that camp I rededicated myself to the lord and I knew everything was going to be alright. The father took everything I owned and moved out of state ans told me that was not his child, I told him, fine, it is not your child. That was the first good decision I had made in a while. I loved my new church and reconnected with an old friend who was also pregnant out of wedlock. She was 6 months farther along than I was, and was a real solace in my time of trouble. I wasn't going to name my son Noah, but when he was born that name was written all over his face. He was born perfectly healthy, God had answered my prayers. That baby saved my life, and showed me what true love was. He was such a good baby, in fact his little cry was so sweet my sister would try to make him cry. I know I am laying a whole bunch of information, personal, private, information out there, but if it can help one person, I am more than happy to share. Two months after Noah was born, my friend introduced me to her future husband's cousin, Clint...this one is a truly amazing story for another day.

Day 43

This is going to be a short post because I fell asleep with my computer I'm my lap last night in the middle of my post. I slept most of the day yesterday last night and most of today and the crazy thing is I am ready to go back to sleep now. I pray that Amy is doing better and her family is in good spirits. I spent the small part of the day that I was awake searching for my thermometer because I know I have to keep a close eye on my temp and I kept going from being freezing to burning up. I finally found a disposable thermometer in my first aid kit and my temp was normal. Clint is going to get me a thermometer tomorrow and I am going to get my nurse out here. I have so much stuff I have to take care of from financial stuff to Noah's graduation to Hope's drivers Ed to Elijah's school and so on and so forth and I only have so much energy and I only have so much time in one day that I can be up and lucid and take care of stuff so I have to cram what normal people do on a week into 2 or 3 hours tops and remember what I did and what still needs to be done and I have to admit it gets to be a bit overwhelming. Sometimes people expect me to be the Betsy I was before I got sick, the mom that took care of everything, the wife that was a strong support and took care of what needed to be done, the friend that was there to listen and let God speak through me and use me to help other people. We have never had much financially but our children are proud of our quaint home. Now more people show up more than ever before and it is not the clean fresh home I used to keep. This house was so clean when we got home from New Orleans and just the act of me setting up my medical equipment and supplies took up half of the living room. I said I was going to keep this short and here I am going off on a tangent when I need to get my medication started because my pain is overwhelming me right now and it is making it difficult to breathe so I need to go and get some rest from all the resting I have been doing. That sounds just plain crazy but some day are just plain crazy. I know God will heal me in His time and right now I need to follow His will, read His Word, and live His Truth!
Lots of love
And Laughter,
Betsy

Day 42

I know it is very late and i am not going to write too much. After surgery my pain was primarily on the surface, today it has moved to the interior and is much stronger. I spent most of the day sleeping and trying to fight off a fever but I can't find my thermometer so I have no idea how high it keeps getting. I did something really stupid today. I twisted funny and bent down to pick something up. I cannot do anything to get that immense pain to go away and I really hope and pray I didn't do any major damage. I want to ask everyone to please pray for a dear, sweet friend, Amy. She and her family are so amazing. She has been battling cancer that has now mastitis to her bones. She is at MD Anderson and had an ex-ray show she has a fracture in her upper arm. The doctor recommends surgery and radiation. With all the things she and her family have been going through, they have been there for us in every way possible. They even called to ask if they can buy our family dinner Tuesday because another friend of hers is having a fundraiser to get assistance for his cancer. Truly amazing people. I fell asleep with my blog up sp later

Day 41

I am so glad to be spending the weekend home with my family. I feel the stitch itch meaning they are healing and I am doing everything I can not to scratch. We are catching up on our favorite shows and I am trying not to do much of anything. Elijah had a breakdown earlier because Hope gave him back a noise and light gun he got from the circus 2 years ago and it was under his blanket and he stepped on it and broke it. Well that was the straw that broke the camel's back and he just started sobbing. I got down on the floor with him just to hold him and that's when I realized I had surgery a week ago and that wasn't a good idea, but I could not get up. His foot was hurting and I tried to make him let me look at it but he refused. It reminded me of the time Noah was Elijah's age and he was down at the neighbors house climbing a tree I told him was not a good idea to climb. He fell out of the tree and started loudly crying. I ran down there and all he could talk about was the hole in his favorite dinosaur shirt because he knew we couldn't replace it. I got him home and finally convinced him to take the shirt of and that was when I saw the real problem. He landed on a stick and had a huge gash in his chest. I thought we should go to the ER but he kept saying he didn't hurt he just couldn't quit crying about his shirt. To this day he has a scar on his stomach, he grew but the scar stayed low. That story reminds me of yet another story. We went into a store that had small buggies and I strapped then 3 year old Hope into the buggy and before I could stop Noah, he stood up on the side of the buggy. He pulled the buggy down on top of himself and Hope's face bounced twice on the concrete floor I got her out of the buggy as quick as I could, she was screaming so loud and there was blood coming out of her nose and her mouth. I was panicking and they called an am ambulance, by that point I realized Noah was still on the floor under the buggy. I kept asking him if he was hurting anywhere and he kept saying he was fine. He was so still and quiet in the ambulance and the look on his face told me be was in pain and he was scared. After we left the ER he finally admitted he hurt, he could have broken a rib, he did at least bruise them but he was so scared because he thought it was all his fault and that he hurt his baby sister, probably even broken her nose. He would not say he was hurt because he was so scared of getting in trouble and medics look a bit like cops and he thought he was going to jail. Hope turned out to be just fine, no concussion amazingly, and no scars on her beautiful angelic face. He has always been so sweet natured, always worried about others, never himself. Going all the way back to pre-k he would put himself between bullies and the kids being bullied because he would rather getting hurt himself instead of seeing someone else get hurt. After a while he became the object of bullies but still said he would rather get hurt instead of anyone else. Even when someone would hit him and we told him it was okay to defend himself, he would not hit anyone because he didn't want to hurt them, even the ones that hurt him. This is a glimpse into Noah's amazing sweet nature and I still have to tell you how he saved my life... Still a story for a other day.

Lots of Love
And Laughter,
Betsy

Day 40

Sorry I did not write yesterday and it is 20 minutes until tomorrow but I wanted to write. I am starting to heal from my surgery and it doesn't even feel like there is an empty space where the objects were removed. I know I still have to be very careful just putting a load of clothes on to wash and to dry made me feel very ill. Thank God I have the most amazing children in the world, they took care of the house work so Clint didn't have spend his whole weekend after getting back from the long difficult weeks of taking me to New Orleans, caring for me there, and this week all of the care I needed here.I know this pacer removal is going to cure me anymore than having the pacer implanted would. It was designed to only help with the symptoms and it did a great job for 6 months. I am ready to move on to the next stage of my healing process. i hope it doesn't take as long to get to Mayo in Jacksonville as it took to get to Ochsner. I have been round and round with no real help. I know that is going to change soon. I also feel like we are going to have the financial breakthrough we so desperately need. Asking people for help is such a humbling experience, but I know it is part of the process God wants to bring us through to refine us into the people He created us to be. You may not believe in God, but I have seen so much proof of Him in our lives. Everyone that I know of that were Atheists and went on a quest to disprove God, could only find proof that He is real. I don't want to step on anybody's toes or anything. I just believe what I believe and know what I know. My religion? No, I have a personal relationship with The Most High God, the One who created the universe and all of its mysteries. The One who created us. We were created for a loving relationship and given a free will because love is not true if it is forced. We were given the option, love and be loved, or ignore, refuse, or whatever we choose. Most "Church" people look down their noses at others for so many reasons but the truth is those "church" people are no different, no better than anyone else. Christ was the only One who came to this world without sin and took our sin upon Himself on the Cross so we could have a loving relationship with our Heavenly Father. To me no one sin is worse than any other, and sin condemns us to an eternity without God, an agonizing eternity that by one simple act of love we can avoid. I did not start this blog to preach and did not even start this post to head in that direction. That being said, my hope, prayer, and belief for healing comes directly from that God. So I hope you embrace my words and follow me through my healing.

Lots of Love
And Laughter,
Betsy