Day 44

It's Monday, and most people dread Mondays, but not Hope. Monday is her favorite day, She loves going to school and the beginning of a new week. Plus she gets to watch RAW, her favorite show. Right now she is in the kitchen with her friend Amber who came over to study for a project. Right now instead of studying, Hope is teaching Amber to make pancakes and scrambled eggs. She also taught her to make a grilled cheese. As a teenager if you can make that, you can survive. I am so glad I passed my love of cooking to my Hopie and my Elijah. She used to play Rachel Ray in the kitchen which was so funny to me because i used to pretend i had a cooking show but I thought you had to sound like Julia Child because we didn't have the food network growing up. I know my parents must have thought it was funny for me to be in the kitchen talking to my audience while I cooked, but it didn't seem to bother them because they got a meal and normally a dessert out of it. I always love having a house full of people and throwing parties or simple get togethers. Elijah most defiantly got that trait from me and sometimes everyday he wants us to come to a party in his room. He also got the perfectionist gene from me and if everything doesn't go just right then it is a total failure. I have worked with him on that and through that I have been able to accept that for myself I had to say no to throwing many parties and the ones I did were very scaled down. I have learned the house is how it is and life is how it is going to be for now. I know God is in control and He knows I have trouble giving up control so right now He has made me and I am so happy to hear laughter rolling through my house. My pain has gone from my surgery site and moved to more internal pain. I have done some twisting and lifting and I really hope I haven't caused a hernia because that would really suck. I really need to call and start the process to get me to Jacksonville so I can get this over with. I am having a hard time knowing my baby boy is about to be out of the house. I want to be able to spend some special time alone with with my little man before he goes off the college. I know he won't be gone for good, but I am going to miss him like a piece of my heart is being taken away. I am happy he knows where he wants to go to school and what he wants to do. I have to admit, I am happy he is not moving far away, even though schools all over the nation are recruiting him strongly.  I still owe you the story of how Noah saved my life the first time, he is working on a cure for the second time and I know he can do it because he is so very brilliant. I have to tell you this is a very private, personal story. I had to get permission before I shared it because it is not just my story. Before I got pregnant with him, I was going down a very dark road. I had been used and hurt so badly by what I thought was the love of my life. He knew my values and said he respected me for them. He told me everything I wanted to hear. After 9 months of dating I gave myself to him and 2 days later he broke up with me. I felt like he drove me out into the middle of nowhere, kicked me out of the car, smiled and left me there. I knew the Lord and I accepted Him into my heart at a young age, but even though I was saved, I felt so very lost. After that I felt lower than the worst scum. While we were dating, I slowly found myself going down a road I knew I should not, drinking and partying and still going to church, living a lie. Later I found out that while we were dating, he had been with several different girls. I was just another conquest in his little black book. I know you are wondering what this has to do with Noah, and I will get there. The summer after my senior year a family member flew me across the country to babysit his little girl. While there he molested me and almost raped me. He got me a drink and said it was okay because he was going to be there for the baby, so I drank it. Little did I know he added a whole 5th of tequila. I started feeling really woozy and he got a strange phone call, started acting really nervous, and left me there with the baby. I couldn't even pick my face up off the ground but I was so thankful he was gone. I know without a doubt God saved me from that situation because He knew it would be more than I could bear. While out there there was nobody I could talk to so I wrote and offered my calling card for that boyfriend I told you about earlier. He was in the Navy so I could not call him, so I wrote him every day that I was in a very scary situation and I didn't know what to do but I needed help and begged him to call me. When I finally got home he did call me, and he thought the "scary situation" I was in, was that I was pregnant and he was so relieved it was not that. That was the point I knew he never cared about me at all. I have long since forgiven these people and others that have taken advantage of me and pray for true joy, true peace, and true love in their lives. Anyway, at this point you can imagine how low I felt. I went from an abusive boyfriend to an ex-drug dealer who was 10 years older than me. Before, even though I would drink, I had my standards and drugs and anybody who did them were repulsive to me. A situation at home I won't go into drove me to pot, because I wanted that out of my head never to return. Then there was the night I hit my rock bottom. I had so much alcohol and drugs in my system that I should not be alive. I remember wanting to go lay down in a car and I reclined my seat and several voices said, " Betsy, you cannot go to sleep, get up." over and over until I got up, I know those were Angels and if I had gone to sleep I would be dead. Finally we headed back to the house and got pulled over, the kicker was the police officer that pulled us over was my church youth director so I had been busted on so many levels. The hypocrite had been caught. Thank God they let us go. When we got to the house I wanted to go to sleep again and everybody just laughed at me. I laid down on that couch and died. I was in a garden with a stone bench. The colors were like none I had ever seen, it was like the colors were alive, everything was beaming with life and joy. Then Jesus personally met me. I thought He was an Angel at first because He did not look anything like the pictures you see. It was Jesus in His full glory. The first thing I said was, "I want to see Ethan." He said, "Betsy, I cannot let you see anything else, you have to go back, I have so much planned for you." Then I remember being slammed back into my body and I awoke completely sober. A week later I found out I was pregnant, and every day of my pregnancy I prayed that God would not let my child pay for my sins. At 3 months pregnant I met an old friend at my brothers graduation and I told him I was going to church with him the next day. When we got there, the youth director said they were going to camp the next day and asked me to come. At that camp I rededicated myself to the lord and I knew everything was going to be alright. The father took everything I owned and moved out of state ans told me that was not his child, I told him, fine, it is not your child. That was the first good decision I had made in a while. I loved my new church and reconnected with an old friend who was also pregnant out of wedlock. She was 6 months farther along than I was, and was a real solace in my time of trouble. I wasn't going to name my son Noah, but when he was born that name was written all over his face. He was born perfectly healthy, God had answered my prayers. That baby saved my life, and showed me what true love was. He was such a good baby, in fact his little cry was so sweet my sister would try to make him cry. I know I am laying a whole bunch of information, personal, private, information out there, but if it can help one person, I am more than happy to share. Two months after Noah was born, my friend introduced me to her future husband's cousin, Clint...this one is a truly amazing story for another day.