Every cell in my body hurts!

I am so far beyond excited to go see my babies and my grandbabies. I know how stupidly weak I am so I have been trying to take everything so slow. Mostly packed and we leave on Tuesday but first I have to try and get through tomorrow. That is going to be a doozie of a day. Like I said in my title every single cell in my body hurts. My hair even hurts, how on earth does your hair hurt? It's not even alive. Tomorrow I have to call my doctor and see if I can get some pain meds for my trip and get a shot but it's going to be tricky because I can't get a shot until after 2 appointments that I have to be clear headed for and my doc only sees patients in the mornings so hopefully he will work with me to set it up with the nurse. The appointment I am least looking forward to is the one to discuss a minor surgery to get a better look to se if I have cancer on top of everything else. It is going to be a very long day then I have to travel the whole next day. Please pray I have the energy to spend some much needed cuddle time with my 2 sweet grandbabies. My grandaughter is almost 7 and she has been texting me every day asking, "How many days until you come to our house." They are both so excited to see their Granny and Papa. And ofcourse uncle Elijah tops both of us. They really love their Wige. 

Again

I sit here again, curled up in a ball asking why. Tears stroll down my face as my stomach churns. I'm so hungry, in so so much pain and all I want to do is hide. Asking why again. I thought this was over, done, a part of my past. yet here I sit the pain immeasurable the hunger consuming me the anger burning through me like a ball of fire. Why again. Why now? Yet here I sit again...and as I watched the love of my life read these words I watched him start to break again. He held so strong when everyone was watching before he was the glue the strength our family needed to get us through those wretched day. Does he have what it takes to do it once again?

Hunger

Can you rememer the last time you were hungry? Really, truly Hungry?

I saw that simple question and fell to peices. Blubbering, ugly crying. Because before my autonomic dysfunction shut down my ability to eat or drink I never knew hunger. I ate because I was bored or it was time to eat or something looked or sounded good. I ate because food was there and for no reason at all. I even joked I could never be anorexic because I liked to eat too much and I could never be bulimic because I couldn't stand the idea of wasting food. 

Over about a year I slowly and systemically lost my ability to eat. Every bite I took would cause so much pain and bloating. Then I would start to belch and eventually the food would come back up. But the pain would remain. So I simply wouldn't eat, sometimes for days. But eventually and inevitably true hunger would take over. It made me realize something vital. I had never really known hunger. There are so many of us that will never really understand true hunger. But there are also so many people out there that know nothing but hunger. Even right here in our country, in our cities and towns. We don't even think about it because we have never know hunger.

 Since God has healed me, I make it a point to let myself get hungry. I still have days where I eat just to be eating. But as I was slowly starving to death I learned to refocus my hunger on God. It gave me a true spiritual hunger to really know and understand God. I wanted to be so close to Him that not even a speck of dust could come between us! 

That is the reason I want to feel hunger now. When I regained my ability to eat I praised God for what only He could have done. But I also felt like I somehow had to make up for lost time and eat all the things I had missed out on. That turned into gluttony. Allowing myself to fall back into old bad habbits of eating just to eat. When my stomach would hurt because I ate way too much, I would get scared, terrified that somehow I undid the amazing act of healing God had done for me. 

That's the thing about God though. No matter how hard we try, we can never undo His goodness, mercy, and grace. Look at how much Isreal had to do before He cast them out. Even after He cast them out, when they humbled themselves and returned to Him, He welcomed them back with open arms! He kept His promise and gave all humanity a savior through them. Now if we accept that sacrifice, we have His Spirit in our very soul! He becomes a part of us! The God who created the entire universe wants a relationship with me, with you! That blows my mind! 

We all need to learn to feel true hunger so we can truly hunger for Him! It will help us understand the hunger of those people right in front of us and stand up and do something to fix a broken system that is full of good intention, but only really helps a few. There is a real need and this pandemic has made it clear to more people than ever before. Many have been more generous than ever before. Many have used this knowledge to take advantage and even get rich off other's generosity. 

I don't have the answer. But I ask you to get hungry with me! Let's learn to feel hunger together so we can turn our hunger to the living God who does have the answer! I counted down to my healing, because God told me He would heal me and I belived. Now it is time to count down to the healing of our land! 2 Chronicles 7:14 "Then if my people who are called by name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land." NLT. 

A voice for the voiceless!

I sit here broken hearted as a kindred spirit I was just getting to know is now gone. Much like myself she wanted to be a voice for the voiceless, but also just a mother to her children and a wife to her husband. I find it difficult to understand why God would take her and so many other young beautiful souls I met over the years to this illness that I got called the wosrt case a world renowned doctor had seen. I know God healed me and has a much greater purpose for me. I know He sustained me because I should have been that young mother who didn't make it. There were many times I didn't think I would. But now I know somehow I have to be a voice for those who were taken too soon. Through my illness I saw how I was treated by physicians and how others I met along the way were treated, simply because the doctors didn't understand the illness or didn't want to deal with it because of how ugly it is. I wanted to know this special young lady. I wanted to fight with her. So if you are reading this, if you feel like you have no voice, if you believe there is something I can do, let me fight for you! I want to help, any way I can. Also, if you are reading this and feel the same way I do, stand with me. Let's help more people than we could have possibly imagined! The wait is over, it is time to stand together and let God fight for us! God gave me a vision to be Food for the Hungry, Rest for the Weary, and Hope for the Hopeless. That is exactly what I want to be!