Day 329

19 years ago on this day I gave birth to my first child, Noah. I am so proud of all of my children. I suppose every parent is. Not everyone knows this, but Noah saved my life. I was going down a very dark road. I was so hurt by things I had allowed people do to me and some things I didn't allow but happened all the same. I felt so worthless, like the scum below the scum that bottom feeders wouldn't touch. I hated hypocrites and yet I became the biggest one of all. At that point I felt like I deserved to be mistreated. I didn't want to live but I knew I could not take my own life. So I lived a wreckless, painful life. I originally had such strong values and I just threw it out the window. Still I has some lows I thought I would never reach, that is until I did. I tried so hard to bury and numb my pain but instead I kept making it worse. Then I came to the night I should have died, the night I did die for a time. This story I have only shared with a select few until this point, but if it can keep someone from the pain I went through then I must share it. That night I had so much alcohol and drugs in my system I never should have woke up. I remember being in a beautiful garden. The colors were like none I had ever seen on earth. They were so alive and they even sang. Yes colors sang. There was a beautiful stone bench and at first I thought I was talking to an angel, it wasn't until later I realized it was Jesus in all of His glory and He didn't look a thing like any picture I had ever seen. I remember saying, "I want to see Ethan!" But Jesus told me, "Betsy, I can't let you see anything else. You have to go back. There is still so much you have to do." The next thing I remember is being slammed back into my body and I was stone sober. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. About a month later I saw an old friend at my brother's graduation and he had invited me to church several times and I told him I was going to church with him the next day. I went and saw a youth pastor I knew from before and he asked me if I had plans for the following week and I said no, then he invited me to youth camp. There I rededicated my life to God and my entire pregnancy I prayed that my child would not pay for my sins and that prayer was answered. I gave birth to a perfectly healthy, beautiful baby boy at 7:20am. My life was changed forever, that child saved my life and brought me back to God. I am so proud of the mighty man of God he has become! Throughout his life God showed me that he would not pay for my sins, through his character and his brilliance. And now that I am sick, he wants to save my life again. The work he is doing in college even as a freshman is to get to a point to find a cure for my incurable disease. God really does work all things together for good, even if we cannot see the good in it at the time, even if it is the most painful thing you have ever encountered. Have faith, this too shall pass!