Day 261

I know I have written in here like it is a personal diary and when I am filled with negative emotions, like all of us sometimes become, I have put it out here for the world to see. I really hope that it just shows you I am human, not much unlike yourself. This illness has taken so much from my family and that is where I put my focus but I have to be honest and say this illness has taken so much from me and it makes me sad and angry. I know the potential I have and it is being wasted. Anything I ever put my mind to I excelled in and refused to stop until I was the absolute best I could be at it. If I had stayed with the bank I would have been a bank manager and moving into the back office. If I had stayed a children's minister, so many kids would have their lives changed for the better. Yet here I am sitting on this couch wondering if God will ever truly use me again and I can only hope He is using me through this written word. It seems to be all I have left that I can do at this time. 

God has shown me that He will use me and He has shown me where I will be, but He has not shown me when or how and I know that is for my own good because when something is revealed to me I tend to try and do it my way and make it happen on my own. The funny thing is, as soon as I see that I don't have a snowballs chance in hades of getting it done and I let go, that is when God goes to work. It is funny because He has taught me this lesson so many times before but just like the Israelites in Exodus I forget all to quickly. I often pray that I will get everything I can out of a certain painful lesson so I will not have to learn it again and yet I still forget. Reminiscent of the Disciples in the garden during Jesus' darkest hour, instead of be what He created me to be, I am in essence sleeping. I don't want to "sleep" anymore. It is funny I would use those terms when in fact I did not sleep much at all last week and I have spent the last few days and nights sleeping in the literal sense.

Thank you so much for sticking with me through my good and bad writings. This outlet has truly helped me to see things in a different light and having so many followers has blessed me and I pray that I can be of help, even if to only one soul, than it has all been worth it!