Day 245

I am still awake. I cannot get my nausea under control. I pray that when I go to the doctor Thursday many of my immediate needs will be taken care of. I have to admit that while I write of my faith I have allowed a seed of bitterness take root and I seem to be taking it out on everyone around me. I pray that this never happens again because no matter how bleak things may look, no matter how weary I may grow, I must open my mouth with wisdom and on my tongue must be the law of kindness. That is from Proverbs 31 within the confounds of the wife of noble character. I am hurting and my husband is hurting and my children are hurting but instead of trusting God and trusting my sweet wonderful husband, I have been short and angry with my words. We are all at fault of this sometimes, mostly when we worry. Many years ago God had me memorize Matthew 6: 25-34. I have relied heavily on it in the past when we were both jobless and penniless as I clung to those verse I went from worrying, " What are we going to do today?" To expecting with great joy, " What is God going to do today?" I prayed then that I would never forget the lesson I was taught because I never wanted to have to be re-taught the same lesson but here I sit knowing I have not been clinging to God and His Word. By doing this, worrying and being so angry, I have allowed my illness to grow stronger and have inflicted more pain on my family than my illness ever could. Thank God I have such a loving and forgiving family. They gently let me know when I am being impossible and keep right on adoring me. My family is my greatest blessing and I want nothing more than the absolute best for them. My amazing husband deserves to be able to make more money with less stress and have his sweet wife back. My oldest son deserves to have all the desires of his giving, loving heart fulfilled. My sweet daughter deserves to be a child, a silly, sweet teenager, not an old soul with the weight of the world on her head. My baby boy deserves to have his mommy back, to have a blast learning in school without me being short or angry with him for just needing a break. I must treat myself better as well. I have long been determined not to let my illness control me but I forgot to check and see if it was. I cannot help it when my nausea is so strong that it consumes my every ounce of being or even my pain for that matter. I cannot control when I have a migraine. I cannot control when insomnia ensues. But I can control how I react to all of these things, and even when things seem impossible I have to see the possibilities I have. When I cannot get off the couch, I can always read with my son or talk with my family. When I do have strength, I have to know my limitations and not try to conquer the world just because I don't know when my next chance will be. Pray that I will hold to these truths because when I am weak, God is strong. I believe at my weakest is when God can use me most, but I have to let Him. If you are reading this I pray that you will not have to learn these truths the hard way and I pray that God would fulfill the desires of your heart because I know He will fulfill mine!