Day 252

I have to admit I though by now I would be counting the days since I have been healed, but alas that was not God's plan. I always think I know what I want and how and when I want it, but I am always amazed finding out God really does know best. I shouldn't be amazed, He is God. For that matter I shouldn't be angry, sad, fed up or input any other emotion. I do trust Him, but saying that and showing that are two very different things. I am so ready to be well, to truly be with my family, to have the things I know in my heart of hearts God promised me. I really hope He is using me as I muddle through this, I am just ready for Him to use me as a healed person shedding the light on the messed up medical system in America. I am sure most doctors go into medicine because they truly want to help. I know I have a wonderful physician who is doing everything in his power to help me and because of that I am afraid he was treated a less than the wonderful man of God he is all because I went in for help with a hole in my central line and openly shared with them my medication. If I were an addict, this I know because I know many, I would hide what medication any doctor gave me and lie through my teeth to get meds I wanted. That ER could not help me and they should have airlifted me to a place that could help me instead of endangering my life. This wasn't the first time I was treated this way and I am sure it won't be the last. The first time I went to a doctor that had hospital privileges because mine did not and the only thing I requested was IV fluids. He treated me like a drug seeker then. What kind if high can a person get from IV fluids? Anyway the next day I was in the hospital for about a week, my condition didn't get better and I still could not hold down any food or liquids, so what did the hospital do? Send me home. I was back in two weeks closer to death than I had ever been before and they finally started me on IV nutrition. Gastroparesis works in cycles so I assumed my stomach would eventually allow me to eat or drink but that did not happen and 6 months ago I asked to be taken off the IV nutrition because it put 50lbs on me. Since then I have been unable to lose an ounce but I feel my hair falling out my nails are brittle and my teeth are soft, I imagine my bones are too. A test proved I have muscle weakness due to malnutrition. Next week I will start using IV nutrition again and hopefully will allow me to do more than just lay on the couch. I know I am venting here and I am sorry I am having such a hard time finding God's joy in my circumstances. I know I can do all things through Christ who strengthen me and I will cling to that verse along with Matthew 6 because worry always makes things worse. But in those verses God says that He knows all the things we need and He will provide, but we have to seek Him first, and His righteousness before we see our needs. I remember being a children's minister and how wonderful it was when God worked through me to bring little babes to Him. I would get the sermon and God would prepare the most amazing children's sermons through me. I loved being on the praise team and singing my heart out. I loved teaching children to praise God through music a beloved friend now in heaven gave me that opportunity. Before I was even married I was asked to be a children's minister by a lovely lady who would soon become a missionary. She saw what I didn't know yet and for such a long time I was so great with kids. I just has to stop committing to things I could not fulfill because I always honored my commitments until the day I couldn't. A nice young man from dish network came here today to change my hopper, as we talked he told me his name was Jamey Flintroy and he was trying to get a job at the Ouachita parish fire department. I will be praying for him, won't you join me? 

Dear Lord,

     I come before you and humble myself. I ask that you forgive my sins and don't allow anything I have done wrong to hinder this prayer. Your child, Jamey Flintroy, desires a job at the Ouachita parish fire department. Please make this and all of the honest and good desires of his heart come to pass! Be with the people that are reading these words, bless them, lift them up, fill them with true joy, true peace, and true love! Please allow me to rest and to wake up at a decent hour to spend time with You and my family. 

By the power of the blood of Christ Jesus we ask this in Your name,

Amen and Amen!