Day 217

This is the day that the Lord has made, 1 will rejoice and be glad in it. This journey has been one of the most difficult of my entire life. I remember many times in my past thinking that whatever I was going through at the time was the most difficult situation I would ever face. Boy was I wrong, and I really hope and pray that this is the most difficult, that I will come through the other end of my illness that has left my close knit, strong family in tatters. 
I have prayed so often that as I went through my day that I would brighten peoples lives, that I would be a blessing, that I  would put a smile on peoples faces and hearts, that God would shine so brightly through me and use me according to His will. If you are reading this, I pray that God will lift you up and fulfill the desires of your heart. I learned long ago He wants to give us just that, but we have to understand and be willing to follow His will for our lives. He has put so many desires and dreams in my life and I have spent countless hours praying that if the desires were my own and not His, that he would take them away from me. The more fervently I would pray this, the stronger those desires took root. I know He is with me, and if God is with me than who can stand against me? I often pray scripture in present tense instead of you, me; instead of Him, You. I know beyond a shadow of doubt that God is going to use my family to bring blessings to others. My entire family wants nothing more than to serve, bless, and obey. 
My nausea is at this moment consuming me and I have been trying to will it away so I can concentrate and use my words most carefully because I understand the power of the spoken word, as well as the written word. I don't want to take my medication, I just want to feel better. Recently all of my symptoms have intensified and no matter what I throw at the nausea,pain, migraines, bloating, muscle fatigue, and weakness; they just keep getting worse. My concentration is fading quickly and it is time to go take the medication I abhor.
Tomorrow is my sweet husband's birthday and all I want is to be fully present and for him to have the best birthday ever. It is my brother, Seth's birthday as well and I pray that this will be his best birthday yet. I know he is living a great new adventure in the place he has dreamed  of living for years. Earlier this month was my Nanny's birthday and she wants nothing more than to go home but that is not going to happen for her. She loved her home just off Lake DeGray near Hot Springs Arkansas. She loved tending to her garden, taking walks in nature, and just taking in and enjoying every day. She is with my aunt in Mobile, Al. and they say she is doing so much better. Recently they were here in town but I was too ill to make it over to see them and apparently they did not want to come see me because they drove very close to my home without taking the time to stop. This used to be my Nanny's house and I know we have made changes since we purchased the place from mom, but I know that is not the reason they never came by, they never come here because they have such horrible memories of this place. It has taken a long time but the darkness surrounding this house has been lifted and new life has been breathed into it. Still I don't blame them, I cannot wait to get out of this house myself. This month was also the 33rd anniversary of my brother, Ethan's death and I feel like it was finally one of healing instead of  morbid grief. In 4 days is my mother's birthday and I pray that she will let go of her guilt and bitterness so God can heal her too. She has Parkinson's, Diabetes, Sarcoidosis, Thyroid disease, and the list goes on. 
I have written all I can for now. I lift all of you up in prayer that God would heal your sicknesses, open your eyes to His will, and fulfill the desires of your heart!