Day 211

After yesterday I slept most of today and woke up in severe pain that refuses to go away no matter what I throw at it. I know my condition inside and out. I know and understand more about it than most physicians in this country. I now know what true starvation feels like. I also know when my cycle gets to a certain point that I want to do nothing more than eat and whatever I may eat just makes me want to eat something more. It is like having such a strong craving that cannot be filled by any morsel. I also learned years ago that when I feel that way it is because my body is in rejection mode. When I find myself wanting to eat everything in sight I know it is because I am digesting absolutely nothing. Everything I shove down my throat sits in my stomach and makes the next stage of my cycle so much worse, leading to pain I cannot control, impactions, migraines and the rest of my symptoms magnified. I also learned if I catch the starvation symptom and refuse to give in to it, to refuse to let a bite of food enter my mouth, then the next stage is so much more mild and goes away very quickly. Recently I have been unable to keep myself from eating, like I have lost all of my self control. I learned after my heart palpations started that no meal was worth my life and was able to dig my heels in and not eat there was even a long period of time when I could not eat anything. I have always been a huge foodie but I understood my condition enough to let it go for a time. Now even though every time I pull muscles throwing up, every time I get food stuck in my esophagus and it won't go up or down, every time I have heart palpitations at that moment I remember no food is worth my life I am having trouble remembering that when I want to eat. Even though I know "man shall not live by bread alone..." and Jesus tells us when you fast, not if you fast but when you fast. I feel so weak and helpless. Please pray that I will be able to let go of food for this time so I can live to enjoy it with my family when the time comes. Pray that I will stop torturing my my body because I can no longer stand to be curled up in a ball in pain. I know God will heal me in His time, I just really hope it is sooner rather than later.