Day 3

I finally got in touch with Ocshner after months of back and fort between them, my insurance, and my personal physician. This is so frustrating because at first my doctor did not send them enough records, then I sent them too many records. I go to my PCP tomorrow and they told me to have him refer me, after all that, just have him refer me. I have to get my gastric pacer removed because it worked for 6 months but then my body quit responding to it but the doctor that implanted it will only remove the device and not the leads which could end up tangled around my intestines causing worse problems. I am also going to try to get a referral there for a neurologist to get to the bottom of my Autonomic Neuropathy. I was able to teach my Elijah some school today. On days I am too weak I have set up some really great online resources that he can go do himself. I hate the days I can do nothing for him because he feels so alone, I remember as a little girl feeling so alone even surrounded by people. Thank God Noah gets out of school at 11:30 and Elijah sleeps late so he is never alone long. Growing up I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. I didn't fit anywhere. A lot of that had to do with the fact that when I was 4 my 6 year old brother, Ethan was killed by a car when he and my sister, Laura were riding their bikes to the neighbors to go play. Until that point he was my whole world, I was his little princess and suddenly I was invisible. I know, Laura, who is 6 years older than me blamed herself for that accident for so long. I really hope she has realized it was not her fault, just Gods time for Ethan to come home. I still can't imagine being in her position or the position of Seth, my little brother, 11 months younger than me. He and Ethan shared a room and all of the sudden he had no roommate and he was so young. I know I was young but I remember so much about being with my Ethan. For a long time I was mad at Ethan because I begged him to stay and play house with me but he promised, "I'll be right back." but he never came back. My parents fell apart, how do you handle losing a child? That is why while I want to be healed, I would much rather me being sick instead of my children. When Hope was little she had really bad asthma and tummy trouble. She was hospitalized 6 times in a year and a half with pneumonia. I remember I was doing a Bible study, "Lord, is it Warfare?" and I heard an audible voice say, "If you quit this study, I will leave her alone." Then and there I knew I had to complete that study and he was going to leave her alone, period. God has always been the center of our marriage, our family, and our life. I guess I will go now and I will let you know how it goes at the Dr. tomorrow.

Lots of love
And Laughter,
Betsy