Day 188

Eureka, I have come face to face with the devil himself. I smell a memory I cannot erase. One hidden so deep within myself that I blocked to protect myself and to live. I must forgive the dead and living alike for this. I cannot bring myself to speak it aloud but I can no longer forget. I know I am speaking in riddles but this is not for you, it is for my healing. I ask how can the one who knew and selfishly allowed it live with themselves, but they are not truly living and though I forgive it will indeed be much more difficult to accept forgiveness on their end. I want to ask why I was not kept from this evil but that will never change a thing. My anger burns so deeply. Filled with outrage and disgust I have to remember we are all human, we all sin and fall short of the glory of God. Knowing that Christ went to the Cross freely to pay for the sins He knew I would commit leaves me with no right to do anything but forgive. I learned this lesson years ago and I learned that I had no right to hold unforgiveness for myself. Allowing yourself to forgive you is the hardest lesson to learn, but could very well be the most important. Even knowing all I do, I would not change one moment of my life because it made me the person I am today. I know God will heal my physical body very soon because at this moment He is healing my soul. Through me God has created a mighty warrior for Himself in my eldest son. Given the name Timothy Noah, he exudes the eagerness of Timothy to learn, the heart of Noah in whom God chose to continue mankind, the spirit of David, a man after God's own heart, the perseverance of Paul and the love of Christ himself. 

   I see in my daughter, given the name Kristen Hope, no one can extinguish the warrior spirit within her likened to that of Deborah the Judge, she has the loyalty of Ruth, the kindheartedness of Rebecca,the grace of Esther, and most importantly, the faith of Mary!

  I already see in my youngest, given the name Elijah Nathaniel, the knowledge of an old soul likened to the first Elijah and a prophet, the wisdom of Nathanael to follow Christ, and I am sure there is much more to come from him. 

  As God restores my body, I will be nothing less than the woman He created me to be. The wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, and so much more; everything He planned for me to be and do will come to the light and that is a journey I have waited all my life to fulfill. Watch out because here I come world, ready or not!