Day 178

I have barely moved today. Slept most of it away and realize my pain is out of control. I knew when I was so hungry yesterday that was a sign that I was going into a bad cycle. I knew better than to give in to the hunger because nothing satisfies it but I ate anyway and after last night I am really paying for it. I have had this for so long I could be an expert in it. But I know when I feel that hunger that the worst thing I can do is eat, but how do you just not eat. When I was a teenager I would forget to eat but I could still eat a whole large pizza and not gain an ounce. I spent my teens as a size zero and it wasn't because of an eating disorder. I was like a human garbage disposal and I was very active as a dancer on the dance team and I loved to dance just for fun. About 3 months ago I was folding clothes with my Hopie and We were talking about footloose old vs new and I put the old song on and I just had to get up and move. I was singing and dancing my heart out and I looked up at Hope and she had this strange smile on her face like she was so happy to see up and moving and having fun but in the back of her eyes I saw the pain you could tell everything slammed down on her all at once. I want to dance and sing with my kids every day. I really miss that. Anyway, bad cycle, pain and everything else but I have to take care of insurance stuff before my procedure Tuesday. I am glad I talked to the insurance lady because she told me she saw where that came through but that they have gotten nothing for Mayo. As much time as I spent making sure the doctor who referred me had sent the insurance exactly the wording they needed to use and they haven't sent anything to the insurance. That really burst my bubble because without insurance coverage everything I have been waiting, hoping, and preparing for will be for nothing. I still don't know how we are going to afford to fly to Jacksonville or a place to stay when we get there. I do know for a weeks stay a condo or timeshare will be much cheaper than a hotel and normally by now I would have spent many hours researching the best deal closest to Mayo and pouring over it until I was sure it was the right place but I haven't done anything and now I find out that my doctors haven't done anything either. Two weeks away and this is so frustrating but I have to trust God has it under control. Since they first started me on TPN I have gained 50 pounds. I have been off TPN for 2 or 3 months and I cannot get this weight off of me. I know my body is in starvation mode and I guess I wouldn't mind as much if I had eaten and enjoyed what put all this weight on me but it is so frustrating. I could be doing absolutely nothing wrong and suddenly within 5 minutes my belly swells up like I am 7 or 8 months pregnant and I just hate people thinking I am pregnant when the fact that if I were to be I would destroy both my body and still malnourish the child, not to mention all the meds I am on and the harm that could do. I know I am just venting and I am worried. I know God is in control and as long as I seek Him first all these things will be given to me. I trust You God, with all that is in me I trust You! It is time for me to stop asking what am I going to do, defeatedly, and with great expectation, ask ok God, now what are you going to do. When we submit to God, that is when we see true miracles! I will let you know every miracle and how God's amazing grace lives on!