Day 310

It is 2am and I lie here awake again. The past several days the couch has won outright in the battle for my time. I am sore from not doing anything but I have no energy and am so ill right now. I really hope this cycle passes soon. I feel like I am about to go crazy from the clutter surrounding me and the amount of time I spend doing absolutely nothing but hurting, feeling weak and nauseated. It would almost be okay if I could just sleep through it but sleep alludes me once again. I always thought that if you have something to complain about then do something about it, I never in mylife thought I would one day, and not even when I am old, be in a position where I can do nothing and that frustrates me more than anything. I really hope this passes soon because I fear I might lose my mind. My mom would tell me I never had anything to lose and though she would say it as a joke, I was always her ditz. I know I was never stupid but I recently found out that when I was in second grade I was tested for gifted but my father wouldn't let me do it. He had a bad experience in gifted, but I had a bad experience in regular classes. I was so bored I spent most of my days in my own little world. I didn't fit in with any of the kids and I always felt like I was on the outside looking in, like I didn't belong anywhere. As a parent my mom ridiculed me for homeschooling my kids and my grandmother even made the comment that at least they would only be a year behind and so many people were so concerned about their social involvement. When my kids did go back to school they were 3 years ahead and if you know my kids they are the most social creatures you will ever meet. Noah is one of 3 underclass men in any lab and the only freshman, and not just in any lab, but a brain lab. All you parents out there, you know your kids in ways nobody else can even fathom. Trust what you know and be whatever it is you know they need. Elijah recently mentioned the desire to have a little sister or brother and I explained to him that would never happen and reminded him that he always wanted to be the baby and he wouldn't have it any other way. His reply? A lot of good that did me, you are so sick these days I don't even get to be with you. Boy did that break my heart. I don't want to miss his entire childhood, sick and useless. I pray my healing comes soon, not just for me but for my family mostly.