Day 297

It is the middle of the night and I lie here awake, my heart in turmoil. Many years ago when Noah and Hope were small I would be awakened in the middle of the night with Clint's sister Kim and her two amazing children weighing so heavily on my heart so I would pray over them for hours. Kim was in a bad place and at the time she didn't have her children and I wanted nothing more than to take those babies in our home and give them a safe place to land but Kim was in such a bad place that I knew she would take it as something I was doing to her not for her, but my intentions were pure. I didn't want to keep them from their mother or father or any other family members, I just wanted to give them a place they could call home. Because I couldn't do that I prayed over them daily. Our home has always been open and a safe place to land for anyone who needed it and they knew the only two rules were leave your drama at the door and don't lie. Over the years many people have joined us in our tiny home. Both of my brothers, my mother, two of Clint's sisters, and his dad, plus Hope's best friend and many of Noah's friends. One Christmas my mom, my brother, Clint's dad and one of his sisters were all here with the 5 of us and it never seemed overcrowded. My sweet niece doesn't know me very well at all, but I know her and pretty much everything she is going through, I have been through and I really hope and pray that she will allow me to share my story with her because I love her like all my nieces and nephews unconditionally. I love my kids friends the same way and look at them as if they were my children too. I haven't been able to be the mom, or wife, or daughter, or sister, or friend I used to be; the one I should be; but I will get back there and hopefully sooner rather than later. I have dealt with some pretty intense pain in my life. Some due to loved ones taken far too early, some due to people who were in pain and just wanted to hurt someone, plenty self inflicted but the strongest pain, even stronger than the constant physical pain this wretched disease inflicts, is the pain I see in the faces of everyone who loves me and can't do anything to help me. When you have such an aweful disease that allows you to slowly starve to death, the pain is not in the illness, but in knowing my loved ones get to watch it happen. I have always prayed that God would shine through me and His joy would overflow onto everyone He brought into my life. I never wanted to be a cause of pain for anyone and yet here I am. I know soon God will use my story to touch many lives and aloe me to be an advocate for rare diseases so doctors will stop mistreating people simply because they cannot understand their illness and will work together to help patients find relief of symptoms and soon after a cure for all the small, misdiagnosed, and very rare conditions. I also know God is going to allow us to be a safe place to land for many more people in the most amazing ways. I am so ready to be healed, but thank God I am willing to wait for His perfect time and His perfect way. We are at our strongest for God when we are at our weakest in life, so God, here I am, use me!!!