Day 321

I am sitting here after Thanksgiving listening to Christmas music while we put up our tree and soaking in all the smells and the memories this season brings. I know this time of year can also bring deep seated pain to light, things you try to forget most of the year are suddenly so very real. When you are sad, or angry, or lonely those feelings seem to be amplified. If that is where you are, know it won't last forever. I would like to share a bit from my book, something my mother wrote after Ethan died.

“The Stocking Left Hanging”

Christmas Eve – 1981 – The kids are in bed, finally sleeping.  Excitement kept them up long past their bedtime.  Steve and I prepare for their awakening and Santa’s arrival.  On the rocker we put Laura’s gifts and fill her stocking.  At Twelve years old there is more clothes and less toys.  Her special gift an electric blanket will keep her feet as warm as her heart.

Betsy, 6, has toys to be taken out of boxes and set up.  A doll house, doll furniture, a “pajama gown,” if I left it up to her she would wear it the rest of the year.  Also a Bible, she is reading now.

For Seth, 5, the toys have to be put together.  Transposing instructions into reality is not as easy as A to B.  No bike this year.  Not much candy in his stocking either.

We sit on the hearth letting the fire warm our backs and burn the scrap paper, boxes and those impossible instructions.  As we sit there our eyes stray to the woodbox gate and we see one stocking still there – Ethan’s.  We break.

This was the second Christmas without him and in many ways much harder to bear than last Christmas.  Was it that we has forgotten the pain or were we still in shock that first Christmas?  Maybe we just didn’t know how much we would miss him.

Steve and I were pleased with our family 2 girls and 2 boys.  On August 6, 1980 I let Laura, 10, and Ethan, 6, ride their bikes a quarter of a mile to the neighbors.  That ride Ethan never finished.  A car coming up behind them struck and killed him.

The pain in those words is so hard to describe.  How to explain the deep black hole where your heart usually is.  How to explain to Betsy that Ethan won’t be helping her get to her kindergarten class.  To Seth why he must sleep alone in his room.  To soothe Laura’s anxiety when the children are out of her sight.  For Steve and I, to learn how to live with a broken heart.  Parts of our lives were as empty as that stocking.

How we got through grief, depression, loneliness, the emptiness, feeling that one more breath was too much, and despair is a long, loving tale – God, who gave us Christ in that first Christmas, sustained our family.  He gave us the strength to survive – the peace and joy to learn how to live again.

This was not a one time gift, as candy in a stocking soon eaten and forgotten, but one that is there when the need for it arises  That need for God comes every day – some days every second, every breath.

As I read this, my heart breaks a little, but that gift has sustained me throughout my life. Whether my pain was inflicted by someone else, some mess I got myself into, or like now an illness I have no control over, that gift is what makes life so wonderful even in the midst of pain. I have no idea how people who know nothing about Who God really is handle the horrific things life inevitably throws at them. 

Growing up, every Christmas, before we could do anything we would all pile up in my parents bed and we would read the Christmas Story from the Bible. My mother's favorite was Luke. As we grew older and had families of our own we would read the story on Christmas Eve, I think this year we will start a new tradition. I want to read the story my mother wrote of a Christmas long ago when God alone sustained our family. She will be proud to know that her little story has officially been published even if it is just in my blog. I really hope it touches you and in some way can make a difference in your life. 

This Christmas I know will be very special, and I have a feeling that big changes are coming for my family. But for now I am going to soak in every moment, enjoy my family and our life...even if it is being stuck right here on this stupid couch. 

Day 314

These words are not my own, but they come from a beautiful soul!

Hey, you! Yes, you. Don't you know how much someone loves you? Loves you enough to die, and die so you could live. So live, and live fully. And for crying out loud, smile. There's a million reasons too. Our savior, our God, is amazing. Through our weekness, he is strong, and by his stripes we are healed. Trust, hope, have faith, and above all, love. Love, love, love, with everything you have! No matter the battle, were in the winning army. No matter what, no matter how shakey life is, God is steady, and the only one who is stand strong. The savior of the whole universe, and yet, he takes the time to know us each individually. Feel our hurts and our pains, and conquer them, along with sin, and death itself. So with death gone, what does that leave us with? LIFE! Be alive, be alive, I tell you, live, for this is what He gave to us! Freely, by grace, not by out works, He saves!!! He lives!!!! Now, we can be alive too! Is that not something to be excited about? Live, laugh, and love, to the fullest! For this is our purpose, our calling, and it's enough reason for me! I am alive, therefore, I will live, because He is God, and God almighty. For the glory of your name, Jesus, forever and ever, this is my prayer, my promise, thanks for all of yours, Amen. : ) 

Day 310

It is 2am and I lie here awake again. The past several days the couch has won outright in the battle for my time. I am sore from not doing anything but I have no energy and am so ill right now. I really hope this cycle passes soon. I feel like I am about to go crazy from the clutter surrounding me and the amount of time I spend doing absolutely nothing but hurting, feeling weak and nauseated. It would almost be okay if I could just sleep through it but sleep alludes me once again. I always thought that if you have something to complain about then do something about it, I never in mylife thought I would one day, and not even when I am old, be in a position where I can do nothing and that frustrates me more than anything. I really hope this passes soon because I fear I might lose my mind. My mom would tell me I never had anything to lose and though she would say it as a joke, I was always her ditz. I know I was never stupid but I recently found out that when I was in second grade I was tested for gifted but my father wouldn't let me do it. He had a bad experience in gifted, but I had a bad experience in regular classes. I was so bored I spent most of my days in my own little world. I didn't fit in with any of the kids and I always felt like I was on the outside looking in, like I didn't belong anywhere. As a parent my mom ridiculed me for homeschooling my kids and my grandmother even made the comment that at least they would only be a year behind and so many people were so concerned about their social involvement. When my kids did go back to school they were 3 years ahead and if you know my kids they are the most social creatures you will ever meet. Noah is one of 3 underclass men in any lab and the only freshman, and not just in any lab, but a brain lab. All you parents out there, you know your kids in ways nobody else can even fathom. Trust what you know and be whatever it is you know they need. Elijah recently mentioned the desire to have a little sister or brother and I explained to him that would never happen and reminded him that he always wanted to be the baby and he wouldn't have it any other way. His reply? A lot of good that did me, you are so sick these days I don't even get to be with you. Boy did that break my heart. I don't want to miss his entire childhood, sick and useless. I pray my healing comes soon, not just for me but for my family mostly. 

Day 305

I really wanted to begin to declutter today but that is not going to happen. We were able to get through school but more than my stomach problems, my legs are severely cramping. I know that generally means my potassium is low but there is nothing I can do about it until my nurse takes my blood. The good news is that I have a migraine coming on so that pain will help me not think about my legs. Clint would always tell the kids if they were hurt that he could take a hammer to another part if their body to help them forget about the pain and just saying that helped them forget their pain. Anyway, I really need to try to rest so I will be back soon!