I am so tired of this illness controlling my life. I don't know how much more I can take. I know God says He will never give us more than we can bear, but I feel I am quickly getting to that point. The endless nausea, weakness, and pain, unable to do anything about it. Doctors giving me no hope, and losing hope for what they can do for me is very disheartening. I feel like I am stuck watching everything around me just fall apart. I almost don't want to post this to my blog because I just want to be a source of inspiration and I feel like a total failure. At this point I don't want to write anything good, bad, or indifferent, I just want to cry and I am. This is so hard. I don't know if I am strong enough to keep on keeping on. My blood work looks great while my body is falling to pieces.
I stopped writing this and was not going to post it because I have been going on a downward spiral that is not pretty. This is most definitely the ugly side of illness. The mundane day in and day out constant nagging at you. Nobody want to see that. I am just an emotional wreck right now because my meds are not doing much good and I keep getting weaker. I will finally get back to a specialist at the end of this month and it is the only glimmer of hope I have because I feel like I have just been left dangling in the wind. Either I can't sleep or I sleep all the time. My pain is back to a point where it is constant. I just feel so helpless and so lost. I am too weak to get up and take care of the things that have needed to be done for months. I am also afraid if I go to this doctor and he just tells me the same thing that I am going to totally lose it, if I haven't already. I am disconnected from the world, disconnected from my family even though they are right here, especially disconnected from myself. This is not me. I can't even find myself in this shell. i have spent so many years being so hopeful even when every door was slammed in my face even when i was treated less than, I still knew that I was going to get through this. Now I just feel hopeless.
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