Day 421

Still can't get rid of this migraine. Thank God I was able to get my IV Phenergan today. Took a migraine pill and still nothing. Hopefully my doc can try something else that actually works. I was told today that insurance would no longer allow the best doc ever to maintain my TPN because they require a gastrointerologist. Bad news is the best gastrointerologist I know of no longer handles TPN. I give up. I am tired of fighting and bucking and scratching and clawing my way to try to get someone, anyone to help me. I truly give it all to God and will do my very best not to let my mouth interfere. Pray for me on that one. 

Last night I had the most aweful memory from when Clint and I were very young and very poor and so in love we made people sick. We are more in love than ever now, we are less poor, and much less young. But though we had a 1 bedroom apartment and an amazing little boy I knew I was pregnant. It was exciting and scary and wonderful and I made a huge mistake. I went to someone I trusted to confirm the pregnancy. The entire time I was there I was being told I couldn't support another child that it was a very bad idea but I knew God would provide for us. The problem was the person I trusted didn't have any faith in me and had the doctor compromise my cervix and tell me I was never pregnant. I didn't know for sure until we were having our baby girl and I saw the tool used to break my water to speed the delivery. I thought I had put this long behind me but it still cuts to the core. I don't believe in abortion but even if I did it would have to be the mothers decision not a meddleing third party. After that memory last night I saw the same thing happen on a tv show today. I can no longer have children because of my severe illness but I have often either in a dream or a vision seen the most beautiful green eyed dark brown curly haired little girl. I think her name was Melody Grace. For a long time I kept thinking she would come into my life somehow but now I think she's been here all along. I can't wait to meet her in heaven. I know this post is way off in left field and I have forgiven the person who thought they had the right to make a life decision for me the same as I have forgiven the person who thought he had to right to put his hands on me long before I met Clint. 

This blog is all about healing. When you think of the lame man lowered into the house Jesus said,"Your sins are forgiven". Then he heals him physically so I guess this is part of my healing process. 

All you ladies out there grieving the loss of a child whether by miscarriage, abortion , or death after a time with them; God can and will heal you. I know you think the pain will never go away and to some extent that's true but it can blossom into something beautiful if you are willing. It might help if you write in the comment section the name of the child that would have been or was as a release , a breakthrough, or even just a goodbye! I'll see you as soon as God's plan for me here is done my sweet Melody Grace!