Day 564 starving

I have a question for all of those with gastroparesis, Do you feel hungry even though you know if you eat you have to pay ten fold?  When I was a teenager I was tiny, I was a dancer and I would often forget to eat but I was never hungry. When I had children I had to set a specific schedule to eat so I didn't forget to feed my children. After that I ate because it was time or something smelled good or I had a craving but I never felt hunger. I now know true hunger. I had been literally starving to death before I got on IV nutrition. I didn't like the weight my IV nutrition added but the doctor said it was a good thing because that means it is working along with proof from my blood work. How do I get rid of this insatiable hunger? Two sips of water and I am barfing my guts out. Sometimes I don't eat for days and I still throw up. Right now I want a big fat juicy burger, some decadent deserts, and icecream. Sometimes my hunger is stronger than my nausea and pain combined. Anybody have any suggestions?

Day 563 waiting

"Wait for The Lord, be strong and take heart and wait I say for The Lord" Psalms 27:14. As I say that I have been given news that I am going to have to be more patient than ever. I was going to write immediately after that about how I know God will heal me in His time. I know as long as we Seek Him first he will provide for our needs. It is difficult for me to just let that go because I am a fixer and I want to make everything right and it seems the more I try to do to fix our problems the worse they get and the moment I hand them back to God, He fixes my mess. I know He is my Jehovah Rapha, my God who heals. I know he is my Jehovah Jiro, my God who provides. I know he is Agape, love without conditions or expectations. Knowing all of this I am still weary from waiting, but wait is His answer to me right now, so I wait expectantly knowing He will meet our needs in His perfect time. 

Our home is small but has always been and will always be a safe haven for those who need it. We believe in a drama free zone with no yelling or ugliness. We expect nothing from those we give a place to stay, or food to take, or meet whatever their need may be. Our mission is going to grow much larger in time. I have a vision of a place large enough to be rest for the weary, food for the hungry, and hope for the hopeless. God only knows how we are going to get to that point, He only knows the timing. Until then we will wait. My illness has kept me from taking care of my family and my home in any way. I was the fun mom that all the kids loved to come and play. I cleaned diligently singing songs of praise. I prepared food and included my children in baking cookies, making candy, and even cooking meals with me making it fun. I was the wife, mother, and overall woman God created me to be. At this point I feel like a bump on a log. Sometimes I can't even get up to walk to the bathroom without blacking out. All I want is to be the person God created me to be.

I started this blog with one goal, as the name says I am counting down the days it will take for God to heal me. I know I don't deserve His healing or provision, but through His grace He gives these freely. I pray that everyone who reads this blog, whether you are sick or know someone who is sick, whatever the reason for reading, know I pray diligently for you.

If you believe in my cause and want to help there is a PayPal donate button. I am not sure if my mailing address is on here but it is on my new site www.honopeah.com. I built that site to bring researchers, doctors, and patients together to understand rare diseases and find cures. I know I need to revise it in order to make that happen, but with God's help I know the world will be changed through this. 

Day 560

I want to write about a very strange but very real dream I had the other night. I wasn't in it except as a witness. There were two couples who vacationed together every year and while they were on vacation before they went to bed for the evening they would gather together in prayer and immediately after the prayer one of the husbands said he had a announcement to make and you could see his wife well up with tears. The man finally got the words out, "you know I have been batteling  throat cancer for a long time now, but God has healed me. The doctors can't explain it other than it is a true miricle." I woke up with a sore throat and just remember thanking God for healing that man, over and over. 

I know of so many young people with my condition along with other complications that don't survive this every year, and I know God is going to heal me, but I can't help but wonder why I will be healed when all these sweet lovely young people are not healed. I know every breath I take is God's grace alone and I hope and pray that they can use the study I was in to find a cure for this wretched disease. I really want to make a difference in people's lives. I never want to take for granted all the blessings God gives our family each and every day. I know from studying the Bible that He uses those who are weak so there is no doubt that God gets all the glory. I am weak and even though I don't know how right now, I do know He will use me to help people in my situation or worse situatuations. Forgive me if I use this forum to rant sometimes but I am only human and I do get scared and angry and weary and sometimes I have such strong hunger pains but know if I eat it is just going to make me even more sick. I hope if you read this blog it will be a blessing to you and I pray for every soul that reads this blog that God would meet you where your needs are and bless you abundantly. 

Day 555

I have been sick for so long it is hard to distinguish that from my life but my illness is not my life and my live is not my illness. I am so proud to the the wife of such an amazing versatile man. He works with computers but comes home and builds a room so we can have our own space. Recently he has been remodeling Elijah's room and built him a loft bed that would have been $4,000. I can't wait to post pictures of the finished product. I am so proud of him and love him so much. Then I have my amazingly brilliant children. I could brag on them for days but if you know them you are bragging on them for me, that's how amazing they are. I have been a baker, a banker, a teacher, a children's minister, but my most important job has been wife and mother and thank God I can still do that job no matter how sick I am. I woke up this morning feeling like I have been punched in the gut 100 times in my sleep I still know God will heal me I know it will be His perfect timing I just hope it's sooner rather than later.