Day 245

I am still awake. I cannot get my nausea under control. I pray that when I go to the doctor Thursday many of my immediate needs will be taken care of. I have to admit that while I write of my faith I have allowed a seed of bitterness take root and I seem to be taking it out on everyone around me. I pray that this never happens again because no matter how bleak things may look, no matter how weary I may grow, I must open my mouth with wisdom and on my tongue must be the law of kindness. That is from Proverbs 31 within the confounds of the wife of noble character. I am hurting and my husband is hurting and my children are hurting but instead of trusting God and trusting my sweet wonderful husband, I have been short and angry with my words. We are all at fault of this sometimes, mostly when we worry. Many years ago God had me memorize Matthew 6: 25-34. I have relied heavily on it in the past when we were both jobless and penniless as I clung to those verse I went from worrying, " What are we going to do today?" To expecting with great joy, " What is God going to do today?" I prayed then that I would never forget the lesson I was taught because I never wanted to have to be re-taught the same lesson but here I sit knowing I have not been clinging to God and His Word. By doing this, worrying and being so angry, I have allowed my illness to grow stronger and have inflicted more pain on my family than my illness ever could. Thank God I have such a loving and forgiving family. They gently let me know when I am being impossible and keep right on adoring me. My family is my greatest blessing and I want nothing more than the absolute best for them. My amazing husband deserves to be able to make more money with less stress and have his sweet wife back. My oldest son deserves to have all the desires of his giving, loving heart fulfilled. My sweet daughter deserves to be a child, a silly, sweet teenager, not an old soul with the weight of the world on her head. My baby boy deserves to have his mommy back, to have a blast learning in school without me being short or angry with him for just needing a break. I must treat myself better as well. I have long been determined not to let my illness control me but I forgot to check and see if it was. I cannot help it when my nausea is so strong that it consumes my every ounce of being or even my pain for that matter. I cannot control when I have a migraine. I cannot control when insomnia ensues. But I can control how I react to all of these things, and even when things seem impossible I have to see the possibilities I have. When I cannot get off the couch, I can always read with my son or talk with my family. When I do have strength, I have to know my limitations and not try to conquer the world just because I don't know when my next chance will be. Pray that I will hold to these truths because when I am weak, God is strong. I believe at my weakest is when God can use me most, but I have to let Him. If you are reading this I pray that you will not have to learn these truths the hard way and I pray that God would fulfill the desires of your heart because I know He will fulfill mine!

Day 217

This is the day that the Lord has made, 1 will rejoice and be glad in it. This journey has been one of the most difficult of my entire life. I remember many times in my past thinking that whatever I was going through at the time was the most difficult situation I would ever face. Boy was I wrong, and I really hope and pray that this is the most difficult, that I will come through the other end of my illness that has left my close knit, strong family in tatters. 
I have prayed so often that as I went through my day that I would brighten peoples lives, that I would be a blessing, that I  would put a smile on peoples faces and hearts, that God would shine so brightly through me and use me according to His will. If you are reading this, I pray that God will lift you up and fulfill the desires of your heart. I learned long ago He wants to give us just that, but we have to understand and be willing to follow His will for our lives. He has put so many desires and dreams in my life and I have spent countless hours praying that if the desires were my own and not His, that he would take them away from me. The more fervently I would pray this, the stronger those desires took root. I know He is with me, and if God is with me than who can stand against me? I often pray scripture in present tense instead of you, me; instead of Him, You. I know beyond a shadow of doubt that God is going to use my family to bring blessings to others. My entire family wants nothing more than to serve, bless, and obey. 
My nausea is at this moment consuming me and I have been trying to will it away so I can concentrate and use my words most carefully because I understand the power of the spoken word, as well as the written word. I don't want to take my medication, I just want to feel better. Recently all of my symptoms have intensified and no matter what I throw at the nausea,pain, migraines, bloating, muscle fatigue, and weakness; they just keep getting worse. My concentration is fading quickly and it is time to go take the medication I abhor.
Tomorrow is my sweet husband's birthday and all I want is to be fully present and for him to have the best birthday ever. It is my brother, Seth's birthday as well and I pray that this will be his best birthday yet. I know he is living a great new adventure in the place he has dreamed  of living for years. Earlier this month was my Nanny's birthday and she wants nothing more than to go home but that is not going to happen for her. She loved her home just off Lake DeGray near Hot Springs Arkansas. She loved tending to her garden, taking walks in nature, and just taking in and enjoying every day. She is with my aunt in Mobile, Al. and they say she is doing so much better. Recently they were here in town but I was too ill to make it over to see them and apparently they did not want to come see me because they drove very close to my home without taking the time to stop. This used to be my Nanny's house and I know we have made changes since we purchased the place from mom, but I know that is not the reason they never came by, they never come here because they have such horrible memories of this place. It has taken a long time but the darkness surrounding this house has been lifted and new life has been breathed into it. Still I don't blame them, I cannot wait to get out of this house myself. This month was also the 33rd anniversary of my brother, Ethan's death and I feel like it was finally one of healing instead of  morbid grief. In 4 days is my mother's birthday and I pray that she will let go of her guilt and bitterness so God can heal her too. She has Parkinson's, Diabetes, Sarcoidosis, Thyroid disease, and the list goes on. 
I have written all I can for now. I lift all of you up in prayer that God would heal your sicknesses, open your eyes to His will, and fulfill the desires of your heart!