Every cell in my body hurts!

I am so far beyond excited to go see my babies and my grandbabies. I know how stupidly weak I am so I have been trying to take everything so slow. Mostly packed and we leave on Tuesday but first I have to try and get through tomorrow. That is going to be a doozie of a day. Like I said in my title every single cell in my body hurts. My hair even hurts, how on earth does your hair hurt? It's not even alive. Tomorrow I have to call my doctor and see if I can get some pain meds for my trip and get a shot but it's going to be tricky because I can't get a shot until after 2 appointments that I have to be clear headed for and my doc only sees patients in the mornings so hopefully he will work with me to set it up with the nurse. The appointment I am least looking forward to is the one to discuss a minor surgery to get a better look to se if I have cancer on top of everything else. It is going to be a very long day then I have to travel the whole next day. Please pray I have the energy to spend some much needed cuddle time with my 2 sweet grandbabies. My grandaughter is almost 7 and she has been texting me every day asking, "How many days until you come to our house." They are both so excited to see their Granny and Papa. And ofcourse uncle Elijah tops both of us. They really love their Wige. 

Again

I sit here again, curled up in a ball asking why. Tears stroll down my face as my stomach churns. I'm so hungry, in so so much pain and all I want to do is hide. Asking why again. I thought this was over, done, a part of my past. yet here I sit the pain immeasurable the hunger consuming me the anger burning through me like a ball of fire. Why again. Why now? Yet here I sit again...and as I watched the love of my life read these words I watched him start to break again. He held so strong when everyone was watching before he was the glue the strength our family needed to get us through those wretched day. Does he have what it takes to do it once again?

Hunger

Can you rememer the last time you were hungry? Really, truly Hungry?

I saw that simple question and fell to peices. Blubbering, ugly crying. Because before my autonomic dysfunction shut down my ability to eat or drink I never knew hunger. I ate because I was bored or it was time to eat or something looked or sounded good. I ate because food was there and for no reason at all. I even joked I could never be anorexic because I liked to eat too much and I could never be bulimic because I couldn't stand the idea of wasting food. 

Over about a year I slowly and systemically lost my ability to eat. Every bite I took would cause so much pain and bloating. Then I would start to belch and eventually the food would come back up. But the pain would remain. So I simply wouldn't eat, sometimes for days. But eventually and inevitably true hunger would take over. It made me realize something vital. I had never really known hunger. There are so many of us that will never really understand true hunger. But there are also so many people out there that know nothing but hunger. Even right here in our country, in our cities and towns. We don't even think about it because we have never know hunger.

 Since God has healed me, I make it a point to let myself get hungry. I still have days where I eat just to be eating. But as I was slowly starving to death I learned to refocus my hunger on God. It gave me a true spiritual hunger to really know and understand God. I wanted to be so close to Him that not even a speck of dust could come between us! 

That is the reason I want to feel hunger now. When I regained my ability to eat I praised God for what only He could have done. But I also felt like I somehow had to make up for lost time and eat all the things I had missed out on. That turned into gluttony. Allowing myself to fall back into old bad habbits of eating just to eat. When my stomach would hurt because I ate way too much, I would get scared, terrified that somehow I undid the amazing act of healing God had done for me. 

That's the thing about God though. No matter how hard we try, we can never undo His goodness, mercy, and grace. Look at how much Isreal had to do before He cast them out. Even after He cast them out, when they humbled themselves and returned to Him, He welcomed them back with open arms! He kept His promise and gave all humanity a savior through them. Now if we accept that sacrifice, we have His Spirit in our very soul! He becomes a part of us! The God who created the entire universe wants a relationship with me, with you! That blows my mind! 

We all need to learn to feel true hunger so we can truly hunger for Him! It will help us understand the hunger of those people right in front of us and stand up and do something to fix a broken system that is full of good intention, but only really helps a few. There is a real need and this pandemic has made it clear to more people than ever before. Many have been more generous than ever before. Many have used this knowledge to take advantage and even get rich off other's generosity. 

I don't have the answer. But I ask you to get hungry with me! Let's learn to feel hunger together so we can turn our hunger to the living God who does have the answer! I counted down to my healing, because God told me He would heal me and I belived. Now it is time to count down to the healing of our land! 2 Chronicles 7:14 "Then if my people who are called by name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land." NLT. 

A voice for the voiceless!

I sit here broken hearted as a kindred spirit I was just getting to know is now gone. Much like myself she wanted to be a voice for the voiceless, but also just a mother to her children and a wife to her husband. I find it difficult to understand why God would take her and so many other young beautiful souls I met over the years to this illness that I got called the wosrt case a world renowned doctor had seen. I know God healed me and has a much greater purpose for me. I know He sustained me because I should have been that young mother who didn't make it. There were many times I didn't think I would. But now I know somehow I have to be a voice for those who were taken too soon. Through my illness I saw how I was treated by physicians and how others I met along the way were treated, simply because the doctors didn't understand the illness or didn't want to deal with it because of how ugly it is. I wanted to know this special young lady. I wanted to fight with her. So if you are reading this, if you feel like you have no voice, if you believe there is something I can do, let me fight for you! I want to help, any way I can. Also, if you are reading this and feel the same way I do, stand with me. Let's help more people than we could have possibly imagined! The wait is over, it is time to stand together and let God fight for us! God gave me a vision to be Food for the Hungry, Rest for the Weary, and Hope for the Hopeless. That is exactly what I want to be! 

What is God going to do today?

This morning the pastor of Foundry, Chad Brooks, spoke about how God provided Manna from Heaven on a daily basis. How he provides our needs each and every day. I want to share with you a personal experience of God's provision and why I am alive today. My illness had gotten much worse. I could not hold down any food and it came to the point that I could not hold down even a sip of water. I knew I needed to go to the doctor. I knew I needed IV fluids. I was in bad shape. The doctor took my blood work and came back to me with a most confounding and frustrating answer. He said, "I am not saying you're lying, but you are eating something you are not telling me about because your blood work doesn't line up with what you are saying. I can see you are a little dry, but I am not going to give you IV Fluids." I went home so angry, knowing my body could not survive without some source of sustenance. Why wouldn't that doctor give me fluids? Within a couple of days I ended up in the emergency room and it took them 37 times of sticking me to find a vein. Severely dehydrated at this point, possibly because I tried to hold down a few sips of water only to throw up way more than I put down, I had to wonder why that doctor who wasn't saying I was lying, was saying I was lying. I knew God has instilled in me the verse Mathew 4:4 "Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God." He did that way before I got so sick. Back when I had my own line of cookies, "Heaven's To Betsy's" Gourmet Cookies. I put that verse on every cookie and tub of cookie dough I sold. So obviously it was drilled in my head. God knew there would come a day when I could have no bread, no water, no food of any kind. That doctor was so perplexed by my blood work, because it was proof of a miracle. One of many to come. God was sustaining me, keeping my body from being without necessary nutrients. Keeping me alive despite what medical science understands. God promises to to supply your every need. The thing is, He will prove it time and time again because He truly is a God of Love. Long before my illness took over our world we went through another extremely difficult time. A business venture we had failed and neither my husband or I could find a job. I thought for sure we would lose everything. But the strangest thing happened. We had more food in our cupboards than we ever had before. Somehow all of our necessities were met at just the right time. I went from waking up worrying, "What are we going to do today?" To waking up smiling and asking God, "What are You going to do today?" During this time of uncertainty, shortages, and isolation we all need to step back, stop worrying and wondering what to do and start expecting looking to God and asking what is He going to do today! 

Time for us all to #Countdowntohealing

While I was still sick, before I even knew what was wrong with me God came to me, personally. I sat on my bed crying out to Him and He came to me. He explained to me that He would heal me and I would be able to share with the world what He had done for me. But first, things were going to get much worse, and boy did they ever. But this is not about my story, this is about what is going on throughout our world right now. Guess what? Things are going to get worse before they get better. But God is about to work in a mighty way. We all need to cry out to Him to calm our fears, heal our illnesses, and restore our land. We need to listen to His voice and do what He is calling us to do. Many people may be asking, "How can I discern His voice?" There are a few things, but if you know God, you know He will never tell you to do anything that contradicts His word. Personally I have learned He speaks to me from within, because He is a part of me. If I hear a voice whispering in my ear, it's not God. It may sound really good, even right, but it is never what God has planned and the enemy knows if he cannot get us to do something bad, he can get us to do something "good" to keep us from God's best for us! So right now, if we will all cry out to God and listen, patiently wait and listen, He will guide us showing us the next steps to take. The entire face of the world is changing right now. It is up to us to be the light for what comes next.

Healing is for Everyone!

My story is long and pretty amazing, but I have to say I always knew it was never about me. God showed me throughout my trial that He was always there, moving, working, using me. I haven't written on here in a long time. It will be 4 years this June since God healed me. I have to say since then a whole lot of life has happened but a whole lot of waiting has happened as well. But with everything going on in this mad world today I felt the need to share a ray of sunshine. Many people of very strong faith asked me why it took so long for God to heal me. Was my faith not strong enough? Was I doing something wrong? The truth is God's timing is always perfect. Even when we may not understand. He created my story from beginning to end and though He has yet to show me everything, probably because He knows me well enough to know I would try to make it happen my way, He fills me with such love and hope and strength. When Jesus walked on this earth He healed everyone who came to Him with simple faith, the faith of a child. Think about that for a moment. When a child is born, they are completely helpless. They have to have faith that their needs will be met. I know many children learn the cruelty of this world way too soon, but even children in the most dire circumstances have a faith stronger than many devout Christians. I understand this is a scary time and the things going on in the world are completely out of our control. But that is where the #faithofachild comes in. Because when we know that God is in complete control then we know there is nothing to fear. We can also know that if we come to Him with that simple faith He will meet us where our needs are, heal our diseases, our hearts, and our minds. I pray He fills you all with the #faithofachild  and that we see something far greater than we ever could have imagined come from this trial!

I get it.

After my amazing healing story that God gave me years before it happened I got very frustrated and even depressed. You think, how can you be depressed when God has done something so amazing in your life? He just showed me it is because I still want to do things on my time when His time is perfect. I will share my story with the whole world, but for now I have to wait until He puts everything in place. Waiting is hard, and it has been difficult relearning how to live. I spent so many years just fighting to survive so now I must learn to live. That is a lesson we can all learn. I tried to sit down and write my book and started on it. I was so excited. Then one evening after babying my laptop, I just closed it and heard a loud crack. It was broken. That really bothered me because we cannot afford to replace it or even repair it. Then my dryer broke, and our air conditioner went out in our fairly new just out of warranty car. To top that off our only bathroom is in desperate need of repair. I started to get really depressed. Then God showed me something amazing. All of this is happening for a reason. I need to wait, to be still and watch what He has in store for us. It is not time to write, so he took my laptop away and made sure I couldn't do anything about it. It is time to pay close attention. He is not done teaching me yet. So God, I get it! I know how much You love me and that You want what is truly best for me, not what I think is best. I trust You! And so I wait....... I will let you know how it turns out!

For my unborn child

This is for the child I never knew. You were taken away from me with such cruelty. I dream of holding you in my arms, of you playing with your brothers and sister. How could I have know that someone I trusted would decide on their own that I was too poor and too young to have a second child? Sure your daddy and brother and I were living in a 1 bedroom apartment. I was going to college. We didn't have much but all I needed was a test from a doctor to get insurance to take care of you. The nurse thought she knew better. She convinced the doctor it was for the best. I was so young and nieve. I trusted them. The doctor asked me if I planned you or wanted you. I told him you were not planned but would be loved and adored. Why didn't he listen? How could he do that? He took an oath to do no harm. He broke that oath. He took you from me without even asking. Before I knew it or could do anything and you were still with me but my womb was broken. I just had to go home and let you go. I held you in my hand. You were so tiny. I am so sorry I didn't protect you. I dreamt about you last night. I know I will see you one day. Until then know that I love you so much!

My Story

            All my life I dealt with unexplained illnesses. When I was a young girl I would get a severe “stomach virus” no one else would get. It happened more and more until it was once a month. I would be curled up in a ball in so much pain sleeping on the bathroom floor because I couldn’t stop throwing up and that cold tile floor felt good on my hot face. Finally, that all came to a head. My mom and baby brother were in Arizona at my uncles wedding. I was so sick and my daddy called to check on me. The phone was right by my ear and it rang 104 times and I never heard it. At the same time mom and Micah had no clue I was even sick but they were driving home from Arizona and saw a ring around the sun. They were going to pray and thank God for the ring and Micah said, “We need to pray for Betsy.” Dad rushed home took me to the doctor and then the hospital where they did an emergency appendectomy. When mom called to check in dad told her the surgery went great. She naturally freaked out and drove home through the night. I was better for a while. As time passed I would end up in the hospital dehydrated and in severe pain and no doctor could explain it. My health kept declining and I thought having no answer was the worst thing ever. I was wrong. I remember sitting on my bed in 2008, my hair falling out of my head and crying out to God. He spoke to me as plain as day. He told me it was going to get a lot worse but then He promised that He would heal me. Then He showed me a vision of myself standing up in front of thousands of people telling them what He had done for me. I trusted Him with all my heart but had no idea how bad it would get. I had surgery to remove my gall bladder which had quit working and still my health declined.

By 2009 I had a diagnosis, idiopathic Gastroparesis, the doctor looked at me and said, “We can try this one medication, if that doesn’t work there is a drug out of Canada we can try. If that doesn’t work then there is nothing else I can do for you.” Gastroparesis literally means paralyzed stomach. Your stomach is always working, mine was not. I could barely eat or even drink water. I had a friend that was in a case study with a world renowned expert on gastroparesis. The doctor was in Jackson Mississippi and if I wanted to get in to see him it would take 2 years. Because of my friend I was able to talk to the nurse in charge of the case study and discovered I qualified for 2 case studies and would be able to get in to see him within a month. People came from all over the world to see this doctor and I not only got to see him, but get special attention. I was deemed the worst case in the study, but the best part was that he was able to use me to further his research on a disease little was known about. In the summer of 2010 I had an experimental surgery to connect a pacemaker to my stomach. They opened me from my sternum to my belly button and the surgery almost killed me, but it saved my life. For 6 months I was able to eat and my constant severe curl up in a ball and cry pain had subsided for the most part. In February of 2011 that all changed. They discovered there was nothing wrong with the pacer but my nerves quit responding to it. During that time, they also learned that my issue was genetic. Autonomic Neuropathy caused all of my problems. It shut down my appendix, my gall bladder, my stomach, and eventually my small intestines. It was known to systematically shut down your organs and many people had to have a multi visceral transplant including their stomach, small bowel, ilium, pancreas and liver. That is where my body was headed.

Strangely enough, through all that time that I could not eat or drink God sustained me. My bloodwork looked normal. I had doctors refuse to give me IV fluids because I must have been eating something I wasn’t telling them because of it and because I hadn’t lost that much weight. They could tell I was dry but refused. It wasn’t like I was asking for any medication, just fluids. Two days later I ended up in the hospital. I explained the ZAP method that Dr. Abell, the expert used. Nothing by mouth, Iv fluids and two IV nausea medications. I was in the hospital a week and it did not get any better. I went from holding down very little to holding down nothing, my pain was unbearable, and the doctors decided there was nothing more they could do so they unhooked my IV and sent me home. Two weeks later I ended up right back in the hospital. They decided to put me on IV nutrition. I went all the way to the Mayo Clinic for help, but there was nothing anyone could do. I eventually had my gastric pacer removed and lived with home health nurses coming to my house every week checking my central line and drawing blood to keep my IV nutrition balanced. I was also on so much medication several just for the nausea that I had to take around the clock and it barely put a dent in it. The pain was like no other pain in this world and I never knew you could have so many different types of nausea. I spent most of my time on the couch. I would lose days, weeks, even months. I had this awful disease where I slowly got to starve to death and the worst part was that my family whom I adore had to stand by and just watch. As the wife and mother they knew slowly slipped away horrendously.

In January of 2013 I started my Blog, Countdown to Healing. I knew I would get worse but I never knew how bad. But I also knew God would heal me and I never wavered in that faith. Through everything God brought people in my life, even strangers who knew nothing about me or my circumstances would come up to me and give me hope and reassurance. Churches all over prayed for me. One lady took a prayer to the wailing wall in Jerusalem for me. I started my blog because my sweet baby boy, Elijah, believed so strongly that God would heal me. He used every wish and every prayer to ask for my healing. He would constantly ask me, “Mom, are you healed yet?” I would have to tell him no, not yet, but God will heal me. One year he asked if he could use his birthday wish on himself. His sweet spirit amazes me.  My family is everything to me and they stuck by me through it all. This journey had to be so difficult on them but they stayed so strong for me.

On top of my illness we suffered so much loss. My mom and dad were so sick. My mom with Parkinson’s, Diabetes, Thyroid disease, Sarcoidosis, and more. My dad had part of his bowel removed. I was the only child still here and so I did my best to take care of them until I could no longer take care of myself. We lost my grandad in 2013. Then in 2014 my mom and on the same day my daughter-in-love’s dad died suddenly. We lost my dad the end of May 2016 and my grandmother soon after. We had their funerals the same weekend Friday was my dad’s and Saturday was my grandmothers. That was a rough weekend but that Monday June 6^th things went from bad to worse. Elijah had 2 friends over and my body began contorting and seizing and the pain was unbearable so I called on of his friend’s mothers to come over so I could try to take some pain medication to make it stop. I took the medicine and it didn’t stop it got worse. She stayed with me until my husband go home from work. She prayed with me and cared for me. I remember shivering and jokingly telling her maybe this is how God is going to heal me. She said she didn’t think that was how it worked. He got home from work and brought his sister and brother-in-law, they had no clue how bad it was but asked if I wanted to call an ambulance. I said yes. By the time the ambulance got there my temp. was 107.5 my lips were blue and I could not stop seizing. They took me to the hospital ER where I was left in the hall for over an hour to die. I was screaming in pain begging for help. I was covered in my own urine, blue lips high fever. My kidneys had shut down, my heart enzymes were elevated, at one point my blood pressure dropped to 50 over 30, but I did not learn this there. No one took my vitals, nothing. I remember fading in and out. I could see and feel the overwhelming love of all the people who had passed before me and I remember saying, “No, I have too much I have to do. I have my kids, a grandbaby on the way. I have to live.” Thank God my ambulance crew stayed with me. I remember hearing them talking to the desk asking about diversion and the people at the desk telling them they could get in trouble for moving me. They found me a bed at another hospital and asked if I wanted to go. I was so out of it I told them to ask my husband who they had not let back. He walked in right then because the nurse accidentally triaged him. They couldn’t do anything for me and yet they triaged someone who wasn’t even a patient.

We went to the other hospital and they learned that I was septic. They put me on a blood pressure medication they don’t use anymore because it can eat through your skin and it took 12 hours to get my blood pressure back up. I was in the ICU for a week. Finally, I got to a regular room was there for several days then as they were about to release me they popped my central line and the nurse was still going to let me go home that way. Even though I was just septic and the line was 3 centimeters from my heart, and now wide open. I refused and the next day Radiology tried to remove it only to discover it was broken under my skin and was the cause of my sepsis. If they had snipped one more tiny bit, the line would have been lost in my system caused a very extensive surgery and I would have spent the rest of my life concerned about a piece lodging in my heart and killing me. Thank God they stopped! The next day surgery was scheduled. I talked to my aunt on the phone and she prayed with me. The I called my granny and she prayed with me that God would not only heal me but restore my organs, make them brand new! When my doctor walked in I had a huge God smile on my face and he asked why I was smiling. I suppose I didn’t look like someone about to go to surgery. I told him my granny just prayed for me. After surgery I was sent home and that night for the first time in ten years I had bowel sounds! I began to eat, slowly at first just soup. But everything began to work like the body of a brand new baby! I gradually ate more and more and I knew our prayers had been answered. People had prayed for me from all over the world and if you were part of that, thank you so much. Your prayers do matter. They are heard. I always knew when people were praying for me because I could feel a strengthening I could not explain. People would often tell me they would pray for me, that was the least they could do and I would tell them, “No, that is the most you can do!” God healed me from an ugly incurable disease that most doctors didn’t want to deal with because there is nothing that can be done for it. God healed me and I believe He will use me and my story to change so many lives. He can heal you! He is still the God of Miracles, today, tomorrow and forevermore! 

Letting go

This one is a doozi. Once I had my healing I had to let go of the idea that everything would be right with the world because we live in an imperfect fallen world. I had to let go of the idea that everything would just fall into place. After 10 years of being on the couch loosing day, weeks, and even months, I would have to relearn how to live. I work myself to death sometimes and seem to accomplish absolutely nothing. I have to learn to let myself be okay with that. Even though it has been over a year I still have a long way to go. I just have to remember this is a marathon not a sprint. Recently I have had to learn a very difficult lesson. Letting go of things that are out of your hands because someone else made the decision to get rid of things that had precious memories to you but only painful ones to them. If I think about it, it is still so hard, so painful to know so much of our history is just gone. Things you could have shared with so many people. I have told myself over and over that they are just things I still have all of the precious memories. Every time it wells up and hurts so badly I have to let it go all over again. I really hope one day it will no longer be painful. I try to constantly forgive and understand where others are coming from. I always pray for those who have caused me pain until I feel the pain no longer. Getting really personal it worked on the family member who molested me. I can be in the same room with them and be nice and polite. I no longer harbor any bad feelings. Now, I would never leave that person alone with my daughter. Because you learn from your pains in life. But I have truly forgiven them and I guess I have to remember that as I learn to let go of this situation. God truly does give beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning, and peace for despair! I hope this helps you let go of whatever may be troubling you. Know you too can have God's healing power in your life! If He saw fit to heal me He can certainly heal you! All you have to do is ask and believe, and if your faith is wavering ask for the faith to be healed. He will give you that too!

Where is the Love

This has been on my heart for several days now and I think it is amazing how God will keep bringing what He wants you to hear and share to the forefront of your mind. Either with a song or a conversation or even the verse of the day. Youversion's verse today it 1 Corinthians 13:1 " Though I speak with the tounge of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become  sounding brass or a clinging cymbal." Many churches and Christians today leave out the most important part of it all, the love. It was never our job to judge others, so why are we so judgemental? Why do we look down on other people? If we learn just how Jesus did things, we would know that we are acting more like Pharisees than anything. It is our job to shine the light of God on people and love them. Truly love them no matter what. God is the one who convicts people of their sin. God holds everyone accountable to His standards. It is not up to us to hold people accountable to our standards. We love and in so doing it shines God's light on everyone. In that light, darkness cannot hide. It is the light that changes people. When we try to do it ourselves, we only turn people away from the light. So next time we want to think or say something about somebody or to somebody let's ask ourselves, "Where is the love?" If it is not there we are the ones who need to make a change!

Little things

I know God worked a huge miracle in me when he healed me of my genetic disorder, but do you know He cares about the little things too? For some people those "little" things are huge! I know before God healed me, he sustained me. He gave my family the strength they needed to get through every obstical. It's those little things every day that add up. We may need a little extra energy to get through the day because we didn't sleep much the night before. We may have a cut on our hand that needs to heal quickly so we can wash the dishes. Maybe you don't have enough money to put gas in your car and you need that gas to last a day linger than it normally would. God cares, no matter how small or large you problem may be! He will help you! All you have to do is ask! We often try to come up with a natural explination for the supernatural. But God is still the same God He was in the bible. Even then people tried to explain away the mighty and seemingly small things He did. But if you have faith, true faith, He will meet you where your needs are in a supernatural way. When people try to explain it away, just smile and know in your heart they tried to explain Jesus away and still do. Our faith allows God to work which in turn strengthens our faith! Wow! That's pretty awesome!

Busy Times

I know it has been a while since I have written. It has been very busy around here from my brother staying with us a few months to completing our parents estate. Noah graduated college and now Clint is off for about a month. Even though he is off work there is so much to be done around here. Several things have been neglected for years mostly because of my illness so there is still so much to be done. We try to get started and our water heater goes out and they did not have a tankless one in town. A few nights of either cold showers or heating water in the kitchen for a bath really makes you appreciate being able to simply turn on the hot water. We did get the pool set up and all of the kids and our granddaughter have truly enjoyed it. I have truly enjoyed it since this is the first time in a long time I have been able to swim. I could not before not only because I was too weak but also because of my central line. Now, thank God neither of those is an issue! I have no idea why I cannot sleep. I couldn't for a while from stress but now I have learned and am learning daily to let go of things that are and never were in my control. It's funny how years ago God had me memorize Matthew 6:25-34 about not worrying. It was just before our business went under and we had no job to fall back on yet during that time we never got one of our necessities cut off, we did not lose our house, and we had more food in our pantry than we had ever had! That was a tough but amazing time and a lesson I want to keep with me so I never have to learn it again. From that perspective, much like our water heater being out has given me a new appreciation for hot water on demand, God taking care of us in those times lets me know there is no reason to worry about anything. All that has been lost, God will restore 100 fold! There is so much to be done here but our main focus needs to be on our business and my ministry. The two go hand in hand and just like I know God healed me for a purpose that is not for me alone, I know our business will thrive because we put it all in God's hand. I have also learned that Clint's point of view on what God has done for me is amazing and will be greatly used in its own right! I will try to write more often, but if you don't hear from me know it's because I have been healed and I am working to share that in a bigger way!

Just Amazed

I am so proud of my oldest son, Noah. He is about to graduate from LA Tech as a Biomedical engineering! But that's not all, he will be going to get his doctorate while getting paid to go to school. God just amazes me how He works through things!  My illness and the way it was neurological propelled him into the position he is in right now. He eventually wants to have his own research lab and find a much less invasive way to diagnose autonomic and neurological disorders and gastroparesis. I believe with all my heart and soul that God is going to use my children in a mighty way! I have always been so proud of my sweet Noah, even though he hasn't always realized it. He is very hard on himself. He tends to push himself to expectations that no one could possibly meet and often exceeds them. But when he doesn't he is so hard on himself. I think by now he knows how much he is loved and adored. He can see that in his baby girl. I just hope he realizes how many people feel the same! I feel so honored to be his mom and have played a part in making him who he is. I know God made him fully who he is but I thank God for letting me be his mommy! My little man is all grown up!

What starving looks like.

I get it, really I do, when people say, "you don't look like your starving to me." You see, that's the cruelest joke of all. I know you've all seen the images of the starving kids in Africa with their bellies distended. Starvation goes so much deeper than being tiny. I was tiny for a while. But your body goes into a mode where your metabolism halts, and it holds on to everything down to the smallest lifesaver. It continues to cannibalize your bones and muscles and turns them into fuel and fat. That is why starvation diets never really work. Well, in my case, being on complete IV nutrition after years of starvation and dehydration was a recipie for extreme weight gain. The doctors didn't care about my weight because they were focused on my blood work and if I had extra weight on me it would be beneficial in the event that the TPN shut down my liver which it was prone to do. So your body processes all the fats and sugars pumped directly into your heart differently. My body already held on to everything but this was much more. So I got larger than my top pregnancy weight and I didn't even get to enjoy what was making me fat. I spent a good 6 months after my healing simply regaining energy to do simple things. Though I have lost 35 pounds I have a long way to go. I tell you all of this to say, don't judge someone by the way they may look. Medication and illness can do strange things to the body.

"Be strong, and of good courage"

In Deuteromony 31 Moses passes the torch to Joshua. I love the words God has for him and I feel they are for us today as well. "Then Moses called Joshua and said to him in the sight of all Isreal, 'Be strong and of good courage, for you must go with this people to the land which the Lord has sworn to their fathers to give them, and you shall cause them to inherit it.'" But I really love what he says after that in verse 8. "And the Lord, He is the one who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you, do not fear nor be dismayed." As I embark on my ministry and begin to share what God has done for me with the world, these words are such a great encouragement. Knowing that not only does God go before me, but He will also give me the words to speak to change lives much like He changed my life. Pray for me as I go on this journey that I will always look to the Lord for the words to speak that I may never cause anyone any harm or to stumble in any way.

Father Forgive Them

Jesus must have been so hurt and angry at the people who delivered Him to the cross, the ones who beat Him, the ones who put that crown upon His head, the ones who nailed Him to the cross, the ones who looked on with delight in their eyes. All the while, claiming that it was in God's name. But His response was so beautiful. He looked down at them in the midst of His agony  and said, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." Everything Jesus did was for us, and if we can really grasp that, then we understand the true meaning of forgiveness. We can take a cue from Jesus when we are wronged or mistreated or falsely accused. God says anger is okay. The Bible speaks often of God's anger. Psalms tells us to be angry but do not sin.  Yet if we can say of those who have hurt us so deeply, Father forgive them, for they know not what they do; then we truly understand what it is to be forgiven. We get why Jesus came to this earth lived and died. We understand that His death was not the end, but the beginning of everything! On this Easter be thankful for what God has done for each and every one of us! Remember that we have been forgiven of the unforgivable,  that God's anger is always more righteous than anything we have to be angry about. God's grace is more than we could ever deserve. We need to give grace to those who have hurt us. It is human nature to want to take vengeance. The Bible says, "Vengeance is Mine, says the Lord." And there are times when we want God to take His vengeance. But if we can look to the cross and instead say, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." Then we can truly know God's peace. We are forgiven. We are given the means to come into God's presence. That is true freedom. That is true Love! That is the fullness and meaning of true Joy! That is true peace! Take it, it is freely given. God paid a great price for us! Happy Resurrection Day!

Good Friday

That is a strange name for the day we remember the death and burial of Jesus. But it was both a great and terrible day. One we should all live in awe and respect of. Yes, Jesus went through the most horrific thing we could imagine. Not only a painful, long, and agonizing death, but also always having God right there with Him only to have God turn away at the moment Jesus took on all of our sin and pain that we would ever commit. But that is exactly why it is great. He chose to come to earth, knowing full well what He would suffer. He did it all for us! That is how much we are loved! So as you go through this day, try not to keep that on your mind. Know what John 3:16 really means, "For God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life." If you have ever been involved in church you probably know that verse. But did you realize those were the words of Jesus himself? Have a wonderful but reminiscent Good Friday everyone!

Getting back on track

I don't always write in here because sometimes I feel like I have nothing important to say. But I suppose my posts don't always have to be profound because truly my own words are never profound. Only the words God gives me ever really mean anything. When I was sick, I neglected basically everything. I was stuck in survival mode. I didn't really live. When my daughter was born we prayed that she would be so full of life that she just couldn't bottle it up and that describes her to a T. Before I got sick we lived full lives. Sure we had problems, but we really lived. There were still many times we were stuck in survival mode. Either because of financial issues, or some other crisis but it was never as bad as when I was sick. The thing is, when the big things in life are neglected, the little things are as well. I thank God I have such  an amazing husband who made sure to make us all smile and laugh and cherish each other even when life was at its worst. When we moved back here, he built me a beautiful master bedroom. Our sanctuary. Your bedroom should be your sanctuary, but more often than not it becomes a catch all. Ours did and the nicest room in our meager home became a heap of a mess. After I got better, I was still so very weak. I continued to neglect things like our room. I am so happy to say now that I am finally getting my energy back and my zeal for life that even though it has taken a while and alot of work, I am finally getting my sanctuary back! I feel like I am finally getting my life back and I have so much time to make up for. We cannot change mistakes we have made in the past,  only try to do better each and every day! I hope you too will live your life to the fullest. Not worrying about what you could have done differently, but what you can do to thrive today. Celebrate life, every moment, because every moment is a Gift from God!