What starving looks like.

I get it, really I do, when people say, "you don't look like your starving to me." You see, that's the cruelest joke of all. I know you've all seen the images of the starving kids in Africa with their bellies distended. Starvation goes so much deeper than being tiny. I was tiny for a while. But your body goes into a mode where your metabolism halts, and it holds on to everything down to the smallest lifesaver. It continues to cannibalize your bones and muscles and turns them into fuel and fat. That is why starvation diets never really work. Well, in my case, being on complete IV nutrition after years of starvation and dehydration was a recipie for extreme weight gain. The doctors didn't care about my weight because they were focused on my blood work and if I had extra weight on me it would be beneficial in the event that the TPN shut down my liver which it was prone to do. So your body processes all the fats and sugars pumped directly into your heart differently. My body already held on to everything but this was much more. So I got larger than my top pregnancy weight and I didn't even get to enjoy what was making me fat. I spent a good 6 months after my healing simply regaining energy to do simple things. Though I have lost 35 pounds I have a long way to go. I tell you all of this to say, don't judge someone by the way they may look. Medication and illness can do strange things to the body.

"Be strong, and of good courage"

In Deuteromony 31 Moses passes the torch to Joshua. I love the words God has for him and I feel they are for us today as well. "Then Moses called Joshua and said to him in the sight of all Isreal, 'Be strong and of good courage, for you must go with this people to the land which the Lord has sworn to their fathers to give them, and you shall cause them to inherit it.'" But I really love what he says after that in verse 8. "And the Lord, He is the one who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you, do not fear nor be dismayed." As I embark on my ministry and begin to share what God has done for me with the world, these words are such a great encouragement. Knowing that not only does God go before me, but He will also give me the words to speak to change lives much like He changed my life. Pray for me as I go on this journey that I will always look to the Lord for the words to speak that I may never cause anyone any harm or to stumble in any way.

Father Forgive Them

Jesus must have been so hurt and angry at the people who delivered Him to the cross, the ones who beat Him, the ones who put that crown upon His head, the ones who nailed Him to the cross, the ones who looked on with delight in their eyes. All the while, claiming that it was in God's name. But His response was so beautiful. He looked down at them in the midst of His agony  and said, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." Everything Jesus did was for us, and if we can really grasp that, then we understand the true meaning of forgiveness. We can take a cue from Jesus when we are wronged or mistreated or falsely accused. God says anger is okay. The Bible speaks often of God's anger. Psalms tells us to be angry but do not sin.  Yet if we can say of those who have hurt us so deeply, Father forgive them, for they know not what they do; then we truly understand what it is to be forgiven. We get why Jesus came to this earth lived and died. We understand that His death was not the end, but the beginning of everything! On this Easter be thankful for what God has done for each and every one of us! Remember that we have been forgiven of the unforgivable,  that God's anger is always more righteous than anything we have to be angry about. God's grace is more than we could ever deserve. We need to give grace to those who have hurt us. It is human nature to want to take vengeance. The Bible says, "Vengeance is Mine, says the Lord." And there are times when we want God to take His vengeance. But if we can look to the cross and instead say, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." Then we can truly know God's peace. We are forgiven. We are given the means to come into God's presence. That is true freedom. That is true Love! That is the fullness and meaning of true Joy! That is true peace! Take it, it is freely given. God paid a great price for us! Happy Resurrection Day!

Good Friday

That is a strange name for the day we remember the death and burial of Jesus. But it was both a great and terrible day. One we should all live in awe and respect of. Yes, Jesus went through the most horrific thing we could imagine. Not only a painful, long, and agonizing death, but also always having God right there with Him only to have God turn away at the moment Jesus took on all of our sin and pain that we would ever commit. But that is exactly why it is great. He chose to come to earth, knowing full well what He would suffer. He did it all for us! That is how much we are loved! So as you go through this day, try not to keep that on your mind. Know what John 3:16 really means, "For God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life." If you have ever been involved in church you probably know that verse. But did you realize those were the words of Jesus himself? Have a wonderful but reminiscent Good Friday everyone!

Getting back on track

I don't always write in here because sometimes I feel like I have nothing important to say. But I suppose my posts don't always have to be profound because truly my own words are never profound. Only the words God gives me ever really mean anything. When I was sick, I neglected basically everything. I was stuck in survival mode. I didn't really live. When my daughter was born we prayed that she would be so full of life that she just couldn't bottle it up and that describes her to a T. Before I got sick we lived full lives. Sure we had problems, but we really lived. There were still many times we were stuck in survival mode. Either because of financial issues, or some other crisis but it was never as bad as when I was sick. The thing is, when the big things in life are neglected, the little things are as well. I thank God I have such  an amazing husband who made sure to make us all smile and laugh and cherish each other even when life was at its worst. When we moved back here, he built me a beautiful master bedroom. Our sanctuary. Your bedroom should be your sanctuary, but more often than not it becomes a catch all. Ours did and the nicest room in our meager home became a heap of a mess. After I got better, I was still so very weak. I continued to neglect things like our room. I am so happy to say now that I am finally getting my energy back and my zeal for life that even though it has taken a while and alot of work, I am finally getting my sanctuary back! I feel like I am finally getting my life back and I have so much time to make up for. We cannot change mistakes we have made in the past,  only try to do better each and every day! I hope you too will live your life to the fullest. Not worrying about what you could have done differently, but what you can do to thrive today. Celebrate life, every moment, because every moment is a Gift from God!

Great News!

Sorry I have not written in a few days. But I do have great news! I am finally ready and have the opportunity to share my story for the first time in public. I will be at St. Andrews United Methodist Church in Sterlington on Sunday April 30th! I am so excited and I would love the opportunity to share my amazing story of how God healed me form an incurable ugly disease with your church or group! It has been 10 months since my miracle healing and I am happy to say I have finally gotten my strength back and I am getting better every day! I have another exciting surprise to share with you very soon, but it is not quite time yet! I just realized I am talking in all exclamation points, sorry but I cannot take them out. I am too excited about what God is doing in my life! I am so excited, I cannot think of what else to write so I suppose I will write again later.

A good question.

My Granny asked me a very good question. She asked why I thought it took so long to get my healing. She went on to ask if it took me that long to have enough faith to be healed. I told her I had complete faith all along that God would heal me. But the answer is so simple. God's timing is perfect. He new when He would heal me and everything I would go through to that point. He knew what I would go through afterwards. Most of all He knew things I will never know or understand. Isaiah 55:9 says, " For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so My ways are higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." I do know this, His timing will be used to change lives. If you need a mirical in your life, I am here to tell you that you can have it. Matthew 15:30 says, "A vast crowd brought to Him people who were lame, blind, crippled, those who couldn't speak, and many others. They laid them before Jesus and He healed them all." He healed everyone who came to Him. It was not just for select people and that remains true today. There is only one thing you have to do. It is also the only thing God requires of us for salvation. So that is very interesting how Jesus often tied the two together. You simply have to believe, to have faith. Jesus says in Matthew 17:20 " I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible." So I understand why Granny asked if it took that long for me to have enough faith. Faith is the key to your mirical. Sometimes God has a plan and your mirical is delayed. But I promise just as Jesus healed all who came to Him, He will heal you. Coming to Him is an act of faith and that is all you need!

Deeper Understanding

I just want to let everyone know I am much better. Healing can come quickly when you have true joy and true peace in your life! I have been able to give complete and true forgiveness because after Jesus gave His life on the cross to pay for my sins what right do I have to hold anything against anyone? Bishop Sandy Miller said, " No blessing goes uncontested." That is true in the bible as well. Psalms 41:6 "They visit me as if they were my friends, but all the while they gather gossip, and when they leave, they spread it everywhere." For those of you that have been given misinformation about me or simply do not understand the disease I had. I had a very real, very ugly, incurable disease that would have led to a multivisceral transplant if God had not miraculously healed me! I was a part of 2 research studies that I had to follow certain guidelines including no medication to alter the tests. In both of those studies I was deemed the worst case involving patients from all over the world. Even though I was the worst case, several people in the study died. I got to know a few of them. I followed one young girl from Florida who got married and passed less than a year later. When the doctor who diagnosed me told me there was nothing he could do for me I thought he was being cruel and unprofessional. I thought he simply did not want to deal with this ugly disease, and he did not. But he was simply being honest, there was really nothing anyone could do. I should know, I went to the top specialist in the U.S. Most people still do not understand the pain associated with this disease so I will try my best to explain it. When an organ fails to function or does not function properly it causes great pain. If you have ever had a stomach virus and been doubled over in pain from it, multiply that pain times 3 and you will come close. It is a combination of pain from the immense pressure of gas building up and never being able to pass gas, a feeling like someone is taking your insides and squeezing and twisting them while simultaneously stabbing you multiple times, and because mine was neurological a burning from neuropathy or my nerves dying. Sometimes at the beginning it would come and go in an undetermined cycle. Sometimes it would last for days, others weeks, but as my disease progressed it never went away. Still I would take no pain medication for years. I was once refused IV fluids by a doctor. IV FLUID! The very next day I ended up in the hospital for a week. Sometimes I would get a migraine in my stomach. If you have ever had a migraine you know they are no joke so just imagine that centered in your core. There was also the pain from vomiting so severely that I pulled muscles in my back and chest.  Once I could no longer take the constant pain, I did go to pain management. Where they monitor you and drug test you every month to be sure you are not abusing anything. Even then I did not take all of the medication prescribed. I still have a years wort of medication. It did help me to function somewhat and I am so grateful for the relief it provided. I think the reason some people had a hard time believing how serious my illness was, was because I was faking something. I pretended to be okay or as okay as I could. I would sometimes eat at events or go to eat with people because when I would meet people and not eat it would make them feel very uncomfortable. So I would eat and then privately go throw up. But every time I ate or even pretended to be okay, I would pay for it drastically. For one day I would sometimes be down for a week or two, but I assumed it was worth it and for most people it was. When people would say, "But you don't look sick." They had no idea how painful that was, even if they were being nice. There are many diseases where people don't look sick, but they are in some of the worse pain imaginable. The pain wasn't the only issue. I was literally starving to death. Even if I ate, I would either throw it up or not digest it. I never knew what it was like to be hungry before I got sick. I would eat because it was time to eat or because something looked or smelled good. I would forget to eat because I was not hungry. When I was sick I was hungry all of the time but I was also terrified to eat because of the repercussions I would face. God got me through all of that and more. I did not realize when I was making and selling "Heaven's To Betsy's Gourmet Cookies" on which every cookie or package of cookie dough, the verse God gave me would be for me. Matthew 4:4 "Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God." He sustained me when "bread" could not. I hope this helps you understand a bit better what I went through and in understanding, I hope it helps you see that God can bring you through whatever you are going through.