Shattered

I am completely and utterly shattered. I cannot sleep and I cannot stop crying. I think the thing that hurts me worse than anything is knowing I hurt someone deeply. For a little while I just need to be shattered and mourn. I need to let all of the pain in and learn everything I can from it. You see, I know a truth about what being shattered really means. The mosaic God will make out of the tiny fragments will be so much more beautiful then the original could have ever been. Not only more beautiful but also so much stronger because it will be woven together with the gold of God's love and grace. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying you have to shatter something or someone or most especially yourself to get the full spectrum of beauty and strength it has to offer. What I am saying is when shattering happens, it's okay to be sad. It's okay to let the full scope of it overtake you for a short time. As long as you know it is not the end of the story. Let God pick up those pieces one by one and weave them together so elegantly with the pure gold of His love and grace. Let Him make you more beautiful and stronger than anyone could have ever envisioned! It takes time, but it is worth every gut wrenching agony every step along the way. I pray often for wisdom, and when God shares a bit with me I want to share it with the world. I am writing this blog because I want to share with the world what He has done for me. How He healed me of such an ugly, incurable disease. I started this blog long before He healed me because I knew He would. Guess what? He did! That doesn't mean my life will be all sunshine and roses. I knew that from the beginning. I just want to make sure that every pain in my life is not a wasted opportunity. I have often said when you have pain in your life you have a choice. You can either let it make you better or it will make you bitter. I have seen firsthand the cost of bitterness. It causes people in pain to hurt others which can lead to a vicious cycle. So feel your pain, then choose to let it make you better. I promise you will be better than you could have ever imagined!

Set free

I want nothing more than to not only keep away from all evil but also to keep away from the appearance of all evil. I relized I have made many mistakes. And my actions and words have been twisted. If I have hurt or offended anyone with my words or actions, I am so sorry. I can only try every day to do better. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. We are bent toward our sinful nature. Belief and faith doesn't make us perfect, in fact it helps us see our shortcomings. There are times when people think we think we are better than them in some way and there are times when we let ourselves believe we are somehow better without admitting it to ourselves. I can tell you I know I am not better than anyone. What I am is blessed. I am truly blessed! If I can somehow obtain God's favor to be healed then I am here to say anyone can. I think back on all who were healed by Jesus. They all have one thing in common. They went to Him. All you have to do is go to God believing that He can and He will!

Weekend

I have to admit I am having a tough time getting over this surgery, but it is what it is. I am so excited because my baby girl is coming home this weekend. I miss her like crazy! I miss my Noah, Krystian, and Riley girl too! So far we have been able to see them every weekend and I just cannot get enough of my family! Clint will be off next week for Spring Break so I am super excited about that. Even though there is much to be done around here, and so much to be done on our business, I am excited to spend every moment with him! I really don't like going one or two weeks without seeing Hope. I know she is not very far away and I talk to her every day but we are just one weird family who loves nothing more than to be together! I wouldn't have it any other way! I don't know if I will post next week but I will try! There are some exciting posts coming up because I am ready to share what God has done through me starting with the Churches who prayed for me. If you would like me to come share my testimony let me know on here and I would be happy to share! I know God healed me, not just for me, but for the world to see His Amazing Grace! Have a wonderful weekend! I will be praying for you all!

Lots of Love
And Laughter,

Betsy

Spring

This is my favorite time of the year. All things are being made new and since my recent miraculous healing, I have been made new as well! I want to make up for all the time I was stuck on the couch lost in time and pain! I remember as a child looking at God's creation with wonder. As I grew the beauty and wonder grew for me because I gained a deeper understanding of His maticiously creation. As you look at all of the beauty around you, enjoy the big picture but also take the time to take in all of the little things that go together to make that beauty. I would have never thought all the pain and suffering I went through would make something so beautiful, but a beautiful story it is! As you go through tough times try to remember it is not always about you and even if it is beauty and wonder can come from it. My motto, though it has been tough to live by has always been to celebrate life, every moment, because every moment is a Gift from God! I know I have a whole lot of time to make up for so I want to squeeze every ounce out of life. I pray that your desire will be the same without having to lose so much.

My Granny

My Granny is a very special lady! I know most everyone is fond of their grandparents. Some of you were raised by your grandparents. I want to share with you a little about this amazing lady. She is my dad's mom. Growing up, I always thought her house was magical, and in many ways it was. She is a very graceful, Godly lady whom I have always strived to be like. In many ways she was the original Martha Stewart, only better. She invinted "pullups" before pampers did, only she didn't have them patented. She experienced a miracle in her own life as a young girl! You see, when she was young she had seizures and she told us of a time when she saw Jesus on her porch. She chased him around that porch until she caught the hem of his garment. From that moment on she never had another seizure. She also played a big roll in my mirical healing! The morning that I would be healed she prayed with me over the phone, not only that God would heal me but would make my failing organs new! That is exactly what He did! When I began to eat I was like a brand new baby. I don't know who else can say at the age of 40 they have a brand new system in their body. I am sure many people would love to have that so. That is how awesome God is! He used the prayer of a Godly lady to bring about His will. This is something He planned to do all along! I didn't understand my illness or why I was so sick. He did tell me once it started getting really bad that He was going to heal me but that it would first get much worse. And boy did it ever! But He also showed me that He would use it in mighty ways! I can't wait to see what He has in store for me next!

My Granny

My Granny is a very special lady! I know most everyone is fond of their grandparents. Some of you were raised by your grandparents. I want to share with you a little about this amazing lady. She is my dad's mom. Growing up, I always thought her house was magical, and in many ways it was. She is a very graceful, Godly lady whom I have always strived to be like. In many ways she was the original Martha Stewart, only better. She invinted "pullups" before pampers did, only she didn't have them patented. She experienced a miracle in her own life as a young girl! You see, when she was young she had seizures and she told us of a time when she saw Jesus on her porch. She chased him around that porch until she caught the hem of his garment. From that moment on she never had another seizure. She also played a big roll in my mirical healing! The morning that I would be healed she prayed with me over the phone, not only that God would heal me but would make my failing organs new! That is exactly what He did! When I began to eat I was like a brand new baby. I don't know who else can say at the age of 40 they have a brand new system in their body. I am sure many people would love to have that so. That is how awesome God is! He used the prayer of a Godly lady to bring about His will. This is something He planned to do all along! I didn't understand my illness or why I was so sick. He did tell me once it started getting really bad that He was going to heal me but that it would first get much worse. And boy did it ever! But He also showed me that He would use it in mighty ways! I can't wait to see what He has in store for me next!

God speaks to us in many ways

While it is still fresh I want to share the dream I had last night but first let me tell you a bit about my dreams. They are always so vivid and most of the time pretty crazy. But I have to talk about them and I normally drive my husband nuts with a long drawn out story. I thought this was one of my regular crazy dreams. There were two churches. In my dream I think one was Catholic and one was Baptist. I got to live steeped in each church knowing what they believe and why they believe the way they do. Each church believed they were the only ones going to heaven. Then I was in the sky above both churches and Jesus was with me and He asked me, "Betsy, which group is going to heaven?" I replied, "That's easy Lord, The ones that believe You are the risen Son of God!" The answer was very clear. They were both wrong about being the only ones going to heaven because of their church. But just because they were so involved in church didn't mean they were going to heaven either. They, You have to truly believe that Jesus came to earth as the Son of God, lived a sinless life, died on the cross, and three days later was resurrected! He did that so we could have life eternal! There is nothing we can do to earn our way to heaven! It is a Gift from God, all we have to do is accept it! Have a blessed day!

Anger is not the answer

I hate what I have been through and what it has put my family through but in the end it was all worth it to receive a genuine miracle from God! Through my personal experience I know I have to be a voice for those who have no voice, and advocate for those with rare diseases many doctors simply don't fully understand and assume they must not be real. My husband has witnessed many instances where doctors said there was nothing wrong with a patient and the patient died only after which the doctor says, "oh, this is what was wrong with them" We live in a relatively small town and if that happens so much here then I cannot imagine on a global scale how much it must occur. Not only have I had doctors that didn't believe me when all I asked for was iv fluids and was refused only to end up in the hospital and have to get stuck 12 times because I was so dehydrated, I have had to deal with so much worse. It's one thing when strangers don't believe you, but I had strangers from all over come up to me and encourage me when I was at my lowest points. But when someone who is supposed to care about you can only think the worst of you, that hurts real bad. Especially when everything is documented, even in a medical research study by a world renowned expert. You try not to let it bother you because you know stress amplifies your symptoms but when all you want is a loving relationship and all you get is venom and hatred, it is never easy. I am so thankful for the amazing, loving people in my life. I am also learning to forgive those who hurt me so deeply. It's not easy, nor automatic, but it is necessary for many reasons. First God sent His only Son to die so that we could spend eternity with Him so what right do we have to hold anything against anyone? Second God teaches us to forgive because He knows unforgiveness only hurts us and leads to bitterness which causes us to hurt someone. By letting go of our pain we are less likely to inflict pain on others. God's ways are higher than our ways and even with all of the wisdom in the world we cannot understand Him. He has allowed, not caused but allowed this pain in your life so are you going to hold it against Him? If not, and the answer is not, then you cannot hold it against the person who hurt you. I do hope and pray those who hurt me see the truth and have a tiny understanding of what I have gone through. I would never want them to know the pain and suffering my disease caused, I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. They are the ones missing out on this great blessing and I want them to be blessed. The thing about me is that I am an authentic, genuine person. I am the same no matter who you are, where you are or where I am. Those that truly know me know this. I don't have time for foolish games or being fake. I won't do it and I won't tolerate it. I am by no means perfect but I do strive to be better each and every day. I guess what this particular pain has taught me is the overwhelming desire to advocate for those who are in pain and told it is not real even by those who should be the closest to them. Anger is not the answer, forgiveness is!

Time for spiritual healing

I haven't written anything in quite a while but I would love to start back. I want to share what God shares with me. He did not heal me just for me. One thing about living through a long very painful and unimaginable illness is the toll it takes on your body mind and soul. After such an amazing miracle you are on a spiritual high like no other. The thing is, after that much in life seems so low. I was so excited to be made new. I still want to shout it from the roof tops! But my body was so weak. After years of severe pain nausea and weakness, after spending most of my time laying on the couch, I was still very weak. I went from being on complete IV nutrition and many very strong medications to no longer needing them. It took some time to take myself off of all the medication. But I was so happy to no longer need it. Then I began to get very angry and frustrated with myself because I was still so weak. I didn't take time to realize that I had been dormant for so long that it would take time to regain my strength. I am still working on that but I am doing much better. I miss being so strong and active. My sweet Elijah never got to know me as the mommy Noah and Hope had. The mom that played video games with them, that was able to show the wonders of this world. The mom that did many fun projects with them, like cooking, planning parties, growing a square foot garden, swimming, just living in general. Thank goodness Clint is such a great daddy! Noah and Hope took up a whole lot of slack having adventures with and planning amazing parties for Elijah. Now he really gets to know me, the real me. I hope an even better me because of everything! I get a chance to be the wife Clint so richly deserves! I will strive everyday to be the wife, mother, sister, friend, and now grandmother God has created me to be!