I get it.

After my amazing healing story that God gave me years before it happened I got very frustrated and even depressed. You think, how can you be depressed when God has done something so amazing in your life? He just showed me it is because I still want to do things on my time when His time is perfect. I will share my story with the whole world, but for now I have to wait until He puts everything in place. Waiting is hard, and it has been difficult relearning how to live. I spent so many years just fighting to survive so now I must learn to live. That is a lesson we can all learn. I tried to sit down and write my book and started on it. I was so excited. Then one evening after babying my laptop, I just closed it and heard a loud crack. It was broken. That really bothered me because we cannot afford to replace it or even repair it. Then my dryer broke, and our air conditioner went out in our fairly new just out of warranty car. To top that off our only bathroom is in desperate need of repair. I started to get really depressed. Then God showed me something amazing. All of this is happening for a reason. I need to wait, to be still and watch what He has in store for us. It is not time to write, so he took my laptop away and made sure I couldn't do anything about it. It is time to pay close attention. He is not done teaching me yet. So God, I get it! I know how much You love me and that You want what is truly best for me, not what I think is best. I trust You! And so I wait....... I will let you know how it turns out!

For my unborn child

This is for the child I never knew. You were taken away from me with such cruelty. I dream of holding you in my arms, of you playing with your brothers and sister. How could I have know that someone I trusted would decide on their own that I was too poor and too young to have a second child? Sure your daddy and brother and I were living in a 1 bedroom apartment. I was going to college. We didn't have much but all I needed was a test from a doctor to get insurance to take care of you. The nurse thought she knew better. She convinced the doctor it was for the best. I was so young and nieve. I trusted them. The doctor asked me if I planned you or wanted you. I told him you were not planned but would be loved and adored. Why didn't he listen? How could he do that? He took an oath to do no harm. He broke that oath. He took you from me without even asking. Before I knew it or could do anything and you were still with me but my womb was broken. I just had to go home and let you go. I held you in my hand. You were so tiny. I am so sorry I didn't protect you. I dreamt about you last night. I know I will see you one day. Until then know that I love you so much!

My Story

            All my life I dealt with unexplained illnesses. When I was a young girl I would get a severe “stomach virus” no one else would get. It happened more and more until it was once a month. I would be curled up in a ball in so much pain sleeping on the bathroom floor because I couldn’t stop throwing up and that cold tile floor felt good on my hot face. Finally, that all came to a head. My mom and baby brother were in Arizona at my uncles wedding. I was so sick and my daddy called to check on me. The phone was right by my ear and it rang 104 times and I never heard it. At the same time mom and Micah had no clue I was even sick but they were driving home from Arizona and saw a ring around the sun. They were going to pray and thank God for the ring and Micah said, “We need to pray for Betsy.” Dad rushed home took me to the doctor and then the hospital where they did an emergency appendectomy. When mom called to check in dad told her the surgery went great. She naturally freaked out and drove home through the night. I was better for a while. As time passed I would end up in the hospital dehydrated and in severe pain and no doctor could explain it. My health kept declining and I thought having no answer was the worst thing ever. I was wrong. I remember sitting on my bed in 2008, my hair falling out of my head and crying out to God. He spoke to me as plain as day. He told me it was going to get a lot worse but then He promised that He would heal me. Then He showed me a vision of myself standing up in front of thousands of people telling them what He had done for me. I trusted Him with all my heart but had no idea how bad it would get. I had surgery to remove my gall bladder which had quit working and still my health declined.

By 2009 I had a diagnosis, idiopathic Gastroparesis, the doctor looked at me and said, “We can try this one medication, if that doesn’t work there is a drug out of Canada we can try. If that doesn’t work then there is nothing else I can do for you.” Gastroparesis literally means paralyzed stomach. Your stomach is always working, mine was not. I could barely eat or even drink water. I had a friend that was in a case study with a world renowned expert on gastroparesis. The doctor was in Jackson Mississippi and if I wanted to get in to see him it would take 2 years. Because of my friend I was able to talk to the nurse in charge of the case study and discovered I qualified for 2 case studies and would be able to get in to see him within a month. People came from all over the world to see this doctor and I not only got to see him, but get special attention. I was deemed the worst case in the study, but the best part was that he was able to use me to further his research on a disease little was known about. In the summer of 2010 I had an experimental surgery to connect a pacemaker to my stomach. They opened me from my sternum to my belly button and the surgery almost killed me, but it saved my life. For 6 months I was able to eat and my constant severe curl up in a ball and cry pain had subsided for the most part. In February of 2011 that all changed. They discovered there was nothing wrong with the pacer but my nerves quit responding to it. During that time, they also learned that my issue was genetic. Autonomic Neuropathy caused all of my problems. It shut down my appendix, my gall bladder, my stomach, and eventually my small intestines. It was known to systematically shut down your organs and many people had to have a multi visceral transplant including their stomach, small bowel, ilium, pancreas and liver. That is where my body was headed.

Strangely enough, through all that time that I could not eat or drink God sustained me. My bloodwork looked normal. I had doctors refuse to give me IV fluids because I must have been eating something I wasn’t telling them because of it and because I hadn’t lost that much weight. They could tell I was dry but refused. It wasn’t like I was asking for any medication, just fluids. Two days later I ended up in the hospital. I explained the ZAP method that Dr. Abell, the expert used. Nothing by mouth, Iv fluids and two IV nausea medications. I was in the hospital a week and it did not get any better. I went from holding down very little to holding down nothing, my pain was unbearable, and the doctors decided there was nothing more they could do so they unhooked my IV and sent me home. Two weeks later I ended up right back in the hospital. They decided to put me on IV nutrition. I went all the way to the Mayo Clinic for help, but there was nothing anyone could do. I eventually had my gastric pacer removed and lived with home health nurses coming to my house every week checking my central line and drawing blood to keep my IV nutrition balanced. I was also on so much medication several just for the nausea that I had to take around the clock and it barely put a dent in it. The pain was like no other pain in this world and I never knew you could have so many different types of nausea. I spent most of my time on the couch. I would lose days, weeks, even months. I had this awful disease where I slowly got to starve to death and the worst part was that my family whom I adore had to stand by and just watch. As the wife and mother they knew slowly slipped away horrendously.

In January of 2013 I started my Blog, Countdown to Healing. I knew I would get worse but I never knew how bad. But I also knew God would heal me and I never wavered in that faith. Through everything God brought people in my life, even strangers who knew nothing about me or my circumstances would come up to me and give me hope and reassurance. Churches all over prayed for me. One lady took a prayer to the wailing wall in Jerusalem for me. I started my blog because my sweet baby boy, Elijah, believed so strongly that God would heal me. He used every wish and every prayer to ask for my healing. He would constantly ask me, “Mom, are you healed yet?” I would have to tell him no, not yet, but God will heal me. One year he asked if he could use his birthday wish on himself. His sweet spirit amazes me.  My family is everything to me and they stuck by me through it all. This journey had to be so difficult on them but they stayed so strong for me.

On top of my illness we suffered so much loss. My mom and dad were so sick. My mom with Parkinson’s, Diabetes, Thyroid disease, Sarcoidosis, and more. My dad had part of his bowel removed. I was the only child still here and so I did my best to take care of them until I could no longer take care of myself. We lost my grandad in 2013. Then in 2014 my mom and on the same day my daughter-in-love’s dad died suddenly. We lost my dad the end of May 2016 and my grandmother soon after. We had their funerals the same weekend Friday was my dad’s and Saturday was my grandmothers. That was a rough weekend but that Monday June 6^th things went from bad to worse. Elijah had 2 friends over and my body began contorting and seizing and the pain was unbearable so I called on of his friend’s mothers to come over so I could try to take some pain medication to make it stop. I took the medicine and it didn’t stop it got worse. She stayed with me until my husband go home from work. She prayed with me and cared for me. I remember shivering and jokingly telling her maybe this is how God is going to heal me. She said she didn’t think that was how it worked. He got home from work and brought his sister and brother-in-law, they had no clue how bad it was but asked if I wanted to call an ambulance. I said yes. By the time the ambulance got there my temp. was 107.5 my lips were blue and I could not stop seizing. They took me to the hospital ER where I was left in the hall for over an hour to die. I was screaming in pain begging for help. I was covered in my own urine, blue lips high fever. My kidneys had shut down, my heart enzymes were elevated, at one point my blood pressure dropped to 50 over 30, but I did not learn this there. No one took my vitals, nothing. I remember fading in and out. I could see and feel the overwhelming love of all the people who had passed before me and I remember saying, “No, I have too much I have to do. I have my kids, a grandbaby on the way. I have to live.” Thank God my ambulance crew stayed with me. I remember hearing them talking to the desk asking about diversion and the people at the desk telling them they could get in trouble for moving me. They found me a bed at another hospital and asked if I wanted to go. I was so out of it I told them to ask my husband who they had not let back. He walked in right then because the nurse accidentally triaged him. They couldn’t do anything for me and yet they triaged someone who wasn’t even a patient.

We went to the other hospital and they learned that I was septic. They put me on a blood pressure medication they don’t use anymore because it can eat through your skin and it took 12 hours to get my blood pressure back up. I was in the ICU for a week. Finally, I got to a regular room was there for several days then as they were about to release me they popped my central line and the nurse was still going to let me go home that way. Even though I was just septic and the line was 3 centimeters from my heart, and now wide open. I refused and the next day Radiology tried to remove it only to discover it was broken under my skin and was the cause of my sepsis. If they had snipped one more tiny bit, the line would have been lost in my system caused a very extensive surgery and I would have spent the rest of my life concerned about a piece lodging in my heart and killing me. Thank God they stopped! The next day surgery was scheduled. I talked to my aunt on the phone and she prayed with me. The I called my granny and she prayed with me that God would not only heal me but restore my organs, make them brand new! When my doctor walked in I had a huge God smile on my face and he asked why I was smiling. I suppose I didn’t look like someone about to go to surgery. I told him my granny just prayed for me. After surgery I was sent home and that night for the first time in ten years I had bowel sounds! I began to eat, slowly at first just soup. But everything began to work like the body of a brand new baby! I gradually ate more and more and I knew our prayers had been answered. People had prayed for me from all over the world and if you were part of that, thank you so much. Your prayers do matter. They are heard. I always knew when people were praying for me because I could feel a strengthening I could not explain. People would often tell me they would pray for me, that was the least they could do and I would tell them, “No, that is the most you can do!” God healed me from an ugly incurable disease that most doctors didn’t want to deal with because there is nothing that can be done for it. God healed me and I believe He will use me and my story to change so many lives. He can heal you! He is still the God of Miracles, today, tomorrow and forevermore! 

Letting go

This one is a doozi. Once I had my healing I had to let go of the idea that everything would be right with the world because we live in an imperfect fallen world. I had to let go of the idea that everything would just fall into place. After 10 years of being on the couch loosing day, weeks, and even months, I would have to relearn how to live. I work myself to death sometimes and seem to accomplish absolutely nothing. I have to learn to let myself be okay with that. Even though it has been over a year I still have a long way to go. I just have to remember this is a marathon not a sprint. Recently I have had to learn a very difficult lesson. Letting go of things that are out of your hands because someone else made the decision to get rid of things that had precious memories to you but only painful ones to them. If I think about it, it is still so hard, so painful to know so much of our history is just gone. Things you could have shared with so many people. I have told myself over and over that they are just things I still have all of the precious memories. Every time it wells up and hurts so badly I have to let it go all over again. I really hope one day it will no longer be painful. I try to constantly forgive and understand where others are coming from. I always pray for those who have caused me pain until I feel the pain no longer. Getting really personal it worked on the family member who molested me. I can be in the same room with them and be nice and polite. I no longer harbor any bad feelings. Now, I would never leave that person alone with my daughter. Because you learn from your pains in life. But I have truly forgiven them and I guess I have to remember that as I learn to let go of this situation. God truly does give beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning, and peace for despair! I hope this helps you let go of whatever may be troubling you. Know you too can have God's healing power in your life! If He saw fit to heal me He can certainly heal you! All you have to do is ask and believe, and if your faith is wavering ask for the faith to be healed. He will give you that too!

Where is the Love

This has been on my heart for several days now and I think it is amazing how God will keep bringing what He wants you to hear and share to the forefront of your mind. Either with a song or a conversation or even the verse of the day. Youversion's verse today it 1 Corinthians 13:1 " Though I speak with the tounge of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become  sounding brass or a clinging cymbal." Many churches and Christians today leave out the most important part of it all, the love. It was never our job to judge others, so why are we so judgemental? Why do we look down on other people? If we learn just how Jesus did things, we would know that we are acting more like Pharisees than anything. It is our job to shine the light of God on people and love them. Truly love them no matter what. God is the one who convicts people of their sin. God holds everyone accountable to His standards. It is not up to us to hold people accountable to our standards. We love and in so doing it shines God's light on everyone. In that light, darkness cannot hide. It is the light that changes people. When we try to do it ourselves, we only turn people away from the light. So next time we want to think or say something about somebody or to somebody let's ask ourselves, "Where is the love?" If it is not there we are the ones who need to make a change!

Little things

I know God worked a huge miracle in me when he healed me of my genetic disorder, but do you know He cares about the little things too? For some people those "little" things are huge! I know before God healed me, he sustained me. He gave my family the strength they needed to get through every obstical. It's those little things every day that add up. We may need a little extra energy to get through the day because we didn't sleep much the night before. We may have a cut on our hand that needs to heal quickly so we can wash the dishes. Maybe you don't have enough money to put gas in your car and you need that gas to last a day linger than it normally would. God cares, no matter how small or large you problem may be! He will help you! All you have to do is ask! We often try to come up with a natural explination for the supernatural. But God is still the same God He was in the bible. Even then people tried to explain away the mighty and seemingly small things He did. But if you have faith, true faith, He will meet you where your needs are in a supernatural way. When people try to explain it away, just smile and know in your heart they tried to explain Jesus away and still do. Our faith allows God to work which in turn strengthens our faith! Wow! That's pretty awesome!

Busy Times

I know it has been a while since I have written. It has been very busy around here from my brother staying with us a few months to completing our parents estate. Noah graduated college and now Clint is off for about a month. Even though he is off work there is so much to be done around here. Several things have been neglected for years mostly because of my illness so there is still so much to be done. We try to get started and our water heater goes out and they did not have a tankless one in town. A few nights of either cold showers or heating water in the kitchen for a bath really makes you appreciate being able to simply turn on the hot water. We did get the pool set up and all of the kids and our granddaughter have truly enjoyed it. I have truly enjoyed it since this is the first time in a long time I have been able to swim. I could not before not only because I was too weak but also because of my central line. Now, thank God neither of those is an issue! I have no idea why I cannot sleep. I couldn't for a while from stress but now I have learned and am learning daily to let go of things that are and never were in my control. It's funny how years ago God had me memorize Matthew 6:25-34 about not worrying. It was just before our business went under and we had no job to fall back on yet during that time we never got one of our necessities cut off, we did not lose our house, and we had more food in our pantry than we had ever had! That was a tough but amazing time and a lesson I want to keep with me so I never have to learn it again. From that perspective, much like our water heater being out has given me a new appreciation for hot water on demand, God taking care of us in those times lets me know there is no reason to worry about anything. All that has been lost, God will restore 100 fold! There is so much to be done here but our main focus needs to be on our business and my ministry. The two go hand in hand and just like I know God healed me for a purpose that is not for me alone, I know our business will thrive because we put it all in God's hand. I have also learned that Clint's point of view on what God has done for me is amazing and will be greatly used in its own right! I will try to write more often, but if you don't hear from me know it's because I have been healed and I am working to share that in a bigger way!

Just Amazed

I am so proud of my oldest son, Noah. He is about to graduate from LA Tech as a Biomedical engineering! But that's not all, he will be going to get his doctorate while getting paid to go to school. God just amazes me how He works through things!  My illness and the way it was neurological propelled him into the position he is in right now. He eventually wants to have his own research lab and find a much less invasive way to diagnose autonomic and neurological disorders and gastroparesis. I believe with all my heart and soul that God is going to use my children in a mighty way! I have always been so proud of my sweet Noah, even though he hasn't always realized it. He is very hard on himself. He tends to push himself to expectations that no one could possibly meet and often exceeds them. But when he doesn't he is so hard on himself. I think by now he knows how much he is loved and adored. He can see that in his baby girl. I just hope he realizes how many people feel the same! I feel so honored to be his mom and have played a part in making him who he is. I know God made him fully who he is but I thank God for letting me be his mommy! My little man is all grown up!

What starving looks like.

I get it, really I do, when people say, "you don't look like your starving to me." You see, that's the cruelest joke of all. I know you've all seen the images of the starving kids in Africa with their bellies distended. Starvation goes so much deeper than being tiny. I was tiny for a while. But your body goes into a mode where your metabolism halts, and it holds on to everything down to the smallest lifesaver. It continues to cannibalize your bones and muscles and turns them into fuel and fat. That is why starvation diets never really work. Well, in my case, being on complete IV nutrition after years of starvation and dehydration was a recipie for extreme weight gain. The doctors didn't care about my weight because they were focused on my blood work and if I had extra weight on me it would be beneficial in the event that the TPN shut down my liver which it was prone to do. So your body processes all the fats and sugars pumped directly into your heart differently. My body already held on to everything but this was much more. So I got larger than my top pregnancy weight and I didn't even get to enjoy what was making me fat. I spent a good 6 months after my healing simply regaining energy to do simple things. Though I have lost 35 pounds I have a long way to go. I tell you all of this to say, don't judge someone by the way they may look. Medication and illness can do strange things to the body.

"Be strong, and of good courage"

In Deuteromony 31 Moses passes the torch to Joshua. I love the words God has for him and I feel they are for us today as well. "Then Moses called Joshua and said to him in the sight of all Isreal, 'Be strong and of good courage, for you must go with this people to the land which the Lord has sworn to their fathers to give them, and you shall cause them to inherit it.'" But I really love what he says after that in verse 8. "And the Lord, He is the one who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you, do not fear nor be dismayed." As I embark on my ministry and begin to share what God has done for me with the world, these words are such a great encouragement. Knowing that not only does God go before me, but He will also give me the words to speak to change lives much like He changed my life. Pray for me as I go on this journey that I will always look to the Lord for the words to speak that I may never cause anyone any harm or to stumble in any way.

Father Forgive Them

Jesus must have been so hurt and angry at the people who delivered Him to the cross, the ones who beat Him, the ones who put that crown upon His head, the ones who nailed Him to the cross, the ones who looked on with delight in their eyes. All the while, claiming that it was in God's name. But His response was so beautiful. He looked down at them in the midst of His agony  and said, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." Everything Jesus did was for us, and if we can really grasp that, then we understand the true meaning of forgiveness. We can take a cue from Jesus when we are wronged or mistreated or falsely accused. God says anger is okay. The Bible speaks often of God's anger. Psalms tells us to be angry but do not sin.  Yet if we can say of those who have hurt us so deeply, Father forgive them, for they know not what they do; then we truly understand what it is to be forgiven. We get why Jesus came to this earth lived and died. We understand that His death was not the end, but the beginning of everything! On this Easter be thankful for what God has done for each and every one of us! Remember that we have been forgiven of the unforgivable,  that God's anger is always more righteous than anything we have to be angry about. God's grace is more than we could ever deserve. We need to give grace to those who have hurt us. It is human nature to want to take vengeance. The Bible says, "Vengeance is Mine, says the Lord." And there are times when we want God to take His vengeance. But if we can look to the cross and instead say, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." Then we can truly know God's peace. We are forgiven. We are given the means to come into God's presence. That is true freedom. That is true Love! That is the fullness and meaning of true Joy! That is true peace! Take it, it is freely given. God paid a great price for us! Happy Resurrection Day!

Good Friday

That is a strange name for the day we remember the death and burial of Jesus. But it was both a great and terrible day. One we should all live in awe and respect of. Yes, Jesus went through the most horrific thing we could imagine. Not only a painful, long, and agonizing death, but also always having God right there with Him only to have God turn away at the moment Jesus took on all of our sin and pain that we would ever commit. But that is exactly why it is great. He chose to come to earth, knowing full well what He would suffer. He did it all for us! That is how much we are loved! So as you go through this day, try not to keep that on your mind. Know what John 3:16 really means, "For God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life." If you have ever been involved in church you probably know that verse. But did you realize those were the words of Jesus himself? Have a wonderful but reminiscent Good Friday everyone!

Getting back on track

I don't always write in here because sometimes I feel like I have nothing important to say. But I suppose my posts don't always have to be profound because truly my own words are never profound. Only the words God gives me ever really mean anything. When I was sick, I neglected basically everything. I was stuck in survival mode. I didn't really live. When my daughter was born we prayed that she would be so full of life that she just couldn't bottle it up and that describes her to a T. Before I got sick we lived full lives. Sure we had problems, but we really lived. There were still many times we were stuck in survival mode. Either because of financial issues, or some other crisis but it was never as bad as when I was sick. The thing is, when the big things in life are neglected, the little things are as well. I thank God I have such  an amazing husband who made sure to make us all smile and laugh and cherish each other even when life was at its worst. When we moved back here, he built me a beautiful master bedroom. Our sanctuary. Your bedroom should be your sanctuary, but more often than not it becomes a catch all. Ours did and the nicest room in our meager home became a heap of a mess. After I got better, I was still so very weak. I continued to neglect things like our room. I am so happy to say now that I am finally getting my energy back and my zeal for life that even though it has taken a while and alot of work, I am finally getting my sanctuary back! I feel like I am finally getting my life back and I have so much time to make up for. We cannot change mistakes we have made in the past,  only try to do better each and every day! I hope you too will live your life to the fullest. Not worrying about what you could have done differently, but what you can do to thrive today. Celebrate life, every moment, because every moment is a Gift from God!

Great News!

Sorry I have not written in a few days. But I do have great news! I am finally ready and have the opportunity to share my story for the first time in public. I will be at St. Andrews United Methodist Church in Sterlington on Sunday April 30th! I am so excited and I would love the opportunity to share my amazing story of how God healed me form an incurable ugly disease with your church or group! It has been 10 months since my miracle healing and I am happy to say I have finally gotten my strength back and I am getting better every day! I have another exciting surprise to share with you very soon, but it is not quite time yet! I just realized I am talking in all exclamation points, sorry but I cannot take them out. I am too excited about what God is doing in my life! I am so excited, I cannot think of what else to write so I suppose I will write again later.

A good question.

My Granny asked me a very good question. She asked why I thought it took so long to get my healing. She went on to ask if it took me that long to have enough faith to be healed. I told her I had complete faith all along that God would heal me. But the answer is so simple. God's timing is perfect. He new when He would heal me and everything I would go through to that point. He knew what I would go through afterwards. Most of all He knew things I will never know or understand. Isaiah 55:9 says, " For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so My ways are higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." I do know this, His timing will be used to change lives. If you need a mirical in your life, I am here to tell you that you can have it. Matthew 15:30 says, "A vast crowd brought to Him people who were lame, blind, crippled, those who couldn't speak, and many others. They laid them before Jesus and He healed them all." He healed everyone who came to Him. It was not just for select people and that remains true today. There is only one thing you have to do. It is also the only thing God requires of us for salvation. So that is very interesting how Jesus often tied the two together. You simply have to believe, to have faith. Jesus says in Matthew 17:20 " I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible." So I understand why Granny asked if it took that long for me to have enough faith. Faith is the key to your mirical. Sometimes God has a plan and your mirical is delayed. But I promise just as Jesus healed all who came to Him, He will heal you. Coming to Him is an act of faith and that is all you need!

Deeper Understanding

I just want to let everyone know I am much better. Healing can come quickly when you have true joy and true peace in your life! I have been able to give complete and true forgiveness because after Jesus gave His life on the cross to pay for my sins what right do I have to hold anything against anyone? Bishop Sandy Miller said, " No blessing goes uncontested." That is true in the bible as well. Psalms 41:6 "They visit me as if they were my friends, but all the while they gather gossip, and when they leave, they spread it everywhere." For those of you that have been given misinformation about me or simply do not understand the disease I had. I had a very real, very ugly, incurable disease that would have led to a multivisceral transplant if God had not miraculously healed me! I was a part of 2 research studies that I had to follow certain guidelines including no medication to alter the tests. In both of those studies I was deemed the worst case involving patients from all over the world. Even though I was the worst case, several people in the study died. I got to know a few of them. I followed one young girl from Florida who got married and passed less than a year later. When the doctor who diagnosed me told me there was nothing he could do for me I thought he was being cruel and unprofessional. I thought he simply did not want to deal with this ugly disease, and he did not. But he was simply being honest, there was really nothing anyone could do. I should know, I went to the top specialist in the U.S. Most people still do not understand the pain associated with this disease so I will try my best to explain it. When an organ fails to function or does not function properly it causes great pain. If you have ever had a stomach virus and been doubled over in pain from it, multiply that pain times 3 and you will come close. It is a combination of pain from the immense pressure of gas building up and never being able to pass gas, a feeling like someone is taking your insides and squeezing and twisting them while simultaneously stabbing you multiple times, and because mine was neurological a burning from neuropathy or my nerves dying. Sometimes at the beginning it would come and go in an undetermined cycle. Sometimes it would last for days, others weeks, but as my disease progressed it never went away. Still I would take no pain medication for years. I was once refused IV fluids by a doctor. IV FLUID! The very next day I ended up in the hospital for a week. Sometimes I would get a migraine in my stomach. If you have ever had a migraine you know they are no joke so just imagine that centered in your core. There was also the pain from vomiting so severely that I pulled muscles in my back and chest.  Once I could no longer take the constant pain, I did go to pain management. Where they monitor you and drug test you every month to be sure you are not abusing anything. Even then I did not take all of the medication prescribed. I still have a years wort of medication. It did help me to function somewhat and I am so grateful for the relief it provided. I think the reason some people had a hard time believing how serious my illness was, was because I was faking something. I pretended to be okay or as okay as I could. I would sometimes eat at events or go to eat with people because when I would meet people and not eat it would make them feel very uncomfortable. So I would eat and then privately go throw up. But every time I ate or even pretended to be okay, I would pay for it drastically. For one day I would sometimes be down for a week or two, but I assumed it was worth it and for most people it was. When people would say, "But you don't look sick." They had no idea how painful that was, even if they were being nice. There are many diseases where people don't look sick, but they are in some of the worse pain imaginable. The pain wasn't the only issue. I was literally starving to death. Even if I ate, I would either throw it up or not digest it. I never knew what it was like to be hungry before I got sick. I would eat because it was time to eat or because something looked or smelled good. I would forget to eat because I was not hungry. When I was sick I was hungry all of the time but I was also terrified to eat because of the repercussions I would face. God got me through all of that and more. I did not realize when I was making and selling "Heaven's To Betsy's Gourmet Cookies" on which every cookie or package of cookie dough, the verse God gave me would be for me. Matthew 4:4 "Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God." He sustained me when "bread" could not. I hope this helps you understand a bit better what I went through and in understanding, I hope it helps you see that God can bring you through whatever you are going through.

Shattered

I am completely and utterly shattered. I cannot sleep and I cannot stop crying. I think the thing that hurts me worse than anything is knowing I hurt someone deeply. For a little while I just need to be shattered and mourn. I need to let all of the pain in and learn everything I can from it. You see, I know a truth about what being shattered really means. The mosaic God will make out of the tiny fragments will be so much more beautiful then the original could have ever been. Not only more beautiful but also so much stronger because it will be woven together with the gold of God's love and grace. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying you have to shatter something or someone or most especially yourself to get the full spectrum of beauty and strength it has to offer. What I am saying is when shattering happens, it's okay to be sad. It's okay to let the full scope of it overtake you for a short time. As long as you know it is not the end of the story. Let God pick up those pieces one by one and weave them together so elegantly with the pure gold of His love and grace. Let Him make you more beautiful and stronger than anyone could have ever envisioned! It takes time, but it is worth every gut wrenching agony every step along the way. I pray often for wisdom, and when God shares a bit with me I want to share it with the world. I am writing this blog because I want to share with the world what He has done for me. How He healed me of such an ugly, incurable disease. I started this blog long before He healed me because I knew He would. Guess what? He did! That doesn't mean my life will be all sunshine and roses. I knew that from the beginning. I just want to make sure that every pain in my life is not a wasted opportunity. I have often said when you have pain in your life you have a choice. You can either let it make you better or it will make you bitter. I have seen firsthand the cost of bitterness. It causes people in pain to hurt others which can lead to a vicious cycle. So feel your pain, then choose to let it make you better. I promise you will be better than you could have ever imagined!

Set free

I want nothing more than to not only keep away from all evil but also to keep away from the appearance of all evil. I relized I have made many mistakes. And my actions and words have been twisted. If I have hurt or offended anyone with my words or actions, I am so sorry. I can only try every day to do better. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. We are bent toward our sinful nature. Belief and faith doesn't make us perfect, in fact it helps us see our shortcomings. There are times when people think we think we are better than them in some way and there are times when we let ourselves believe we are somehow better without admitting it to ourselves. I can tell you I know I am not better than anyone. What I am is blessed. I am truly blessed! If I can somehow obtain God's favor to be healed then I am here to say anyone can. I think back on all who were healed by Jesus. They all have one thing in common. They went to Him. All you have to do is go to God believing that He can and He will!

Weekend

I have to admit I am having a tough time getting over this surgery, but it is what it is. I am so excited because my baby girl is coming home this weekend. I miss her like crazy! I miss my Noah, Krystian, and Riley girl too! So far we have been able to see them every weekend and I just cannot get enough of my family! Clint will be off next week for Spring Break so I am super excited about that. Even though there is much to be done around here, and so much to be done on our business, I am excited to spend every moment with him! I really don't like going one or two weeks without seeing Hope. I know she is not very far away and I talk to her every day but we are just one weird family who loves nothing more than to be together! I wouldn't have it any other way! I don't know if I will post next week but I will try! There are some exciting posts coming up because I am ready to share what God has done through me starting with the Churches who prayed for me. If you would like me to come share my testimony let me know on here and I would be happy to share! I know God healed me, not just for me, but for the world to see His Amazing Grace! Have a wonderful weekend! I will be praying for you all!

Lots of Love
And Laughter,

Betsy

Spring

This is my favorite time of the year. All things are being made new and since my recent miraculous healing, I have been made new as well! I want to make up for all the time I was stuck on the couch lost in time and pain! I remember as a child looking at God's creation with wonder. As I grew the beauty and wonder grew for me because I gained a deeper understanding of His maticiously creation. As you look at all of the beauty around you, enjoy the big picture but also take the time to take in all of the little things that go together to make that beauty. I would have never thought all the pain and suffering I went through would make something so beautiful, but a beautiful story it is! As you go through tough times try to remember it is not always about you and even if it is beauty and wonder can come from it. My motto, though it has been tough to live by has always been to celebrate life, every moment, because every moment is a Gift from God! I know I have a whole lot of time to make up for so I want to squeeze every ounce out of life. I pray that your desire will be the same without having to lose so much.

My Granny

My Granny is a very special lady! I know most everyone is fond of their grandparents. Some of you were raised by your grandparents. I want to share with you a little about this amazing lady. She is my dad's mom. Growing up, I always thought her house was magical, and in many ways it was. She is a very graceful, Godly lady whom I have always strived to be like. In many ways she was the original Martha Stewart, only better. She invinted "pullups" before pampers did, only she didn't have them patented. She experienced a miracle in her own life as a young girl! You see, when she was young she had seizures and she told us of a time when she saw Jesus on her porch. She chased him around that porch until she caught the hem of his garment. From that moment on she never had another seizure. She also played a big roll in my mirical healing! The morning that I would be healed she prayed with me over the phone, not only that God would heal me but would make my failing organs new! That is exactly what He did! When I began to eat I was like a brand new baby. I don't know who else can say at the age of 40 they have a brand new system in their body. I am sure many people would love to have that so. That is how awesome God is! He used the prayer of a Godly lady to bring about His will. This is something He planned to do all along! I didn't understand my illness or why I was so sick. He did tell me once it started getting really bad that He was going to heal me but that it would first get much worse. And boy did it ever! But He also showed me that He would use it in mighty ways! I can't wait to see what He has in store for me next!

My Granny

My Granny is a very special lady! I know most everyone is fond of their grandparents. Some of you were raised by your grandparents. I want to share with you a little about this amazing lady. She is my dad's mom. Growing up, I always thought her house was magical, and in many ways it was. She is a very graceful, Godly lady whom I have always strived to be like. In many ways she was the original Martha Stewart, only better. She invinted "pullups" before pampers did, only she didn't have them patented. She experienced a miracle in her own life as a young girl! You see, when she was young she had seizures and she told us of a time when she saw Jesus on her porch. She chased him around that porch until she caught the hem of his garment. From that moment on she never had another seizure. She also played a big roll in my mirical healing! The morning that I would be healed she prayed with me over the phone, not only that God would heal me but would make my failing organs new! That is exactly what He did! When I began to eat I was like a brand new baby. I don't know who else can say at the age of 40 they have a brand new system in their body. I am sure many people would love to have that so. That is how awesome God is! He used the prayer of a Godly lady to bring about His will. This is something He planned to do all along! I didn't understand my illness or why I was so sick. He did tell me once it started getting really bad that He was going to heal me but that it would first get much worse. And boy did it ever! But He also showed me that He would use it in mighty ways! I can't wait to see what He has in store for me next!

God speaks to us in many ways

While it is still fresh I want to share the dream I had last night but first let me tell you a bit about my dreams. They are always so vivid and most of the time pretty crazy. But I have to talk about them and I normally drive my husband nuts with a long drawn out story. I thought this was one of my regular crazy dreams. There were two churches. In my dream I think one was Catholic and one was Baptist. I got to live steeped in each church knowing what they believe and why they believe the way they do. Each church believed they were the only ones going to heaven. Then I was in the sky above both churches and Jesus was with me and He asked me, "Betsy, which group is going to heaven?" I replied, "That's easy Lord, The ones that believe You are the risen Son of God!" The answer was very clear. They were both wrong about being the only ones going to heaven because of their church. But just because they were so involved in church didn't mean they were going to heaven either. They, You have to truly believe that Jesus came to earth as the Son of God, lived a sinless life, died on the cross, and three days later was resurrected! He did that so we could have life eternal! There is nothing we can do to earn our way to heaven! It is a Gift from God, all we have to do is accept it! Have a blessed day!

Anger is not the answer

I hate what I have been through and what it has put my family through but in the end it was all worth it to receive a genuine miracle from God! Through my personal experience I know I have to be a voice for those who have no voice, and advocate for those with rare diseases many doctors simply don't fully understand and assume they must not be real. My husband has witnessed many instances where doctors said there was nothing wrong with a patient and the patient died only after which the doctor says, "oh, this is what was wrong with them" We live in a relatively small town and if that happens so much here then I cannot imagine on a global scale how much it must occur. Not only have I had doctors that didn't believe me when all I asked for was iv fluids and was refused only to end up in the hospital and have to get stuck 12 times because I was so dehydrated, I have had to deal with so much worse. It's one thing when strangers don't believe you, but I had strangers from all over come up to me and encourage me when I was at my lowest points. But when someone who is supposed to care about you can only think the worst of you, that hurts real bad. Especially when everything is documented, even in a medical research study by a world renowned expert. You try not to let it bother you because you know stress amplifies your symptoms but when all you want is a loving relationship and all you get is venom and hatred, it is never easy. I am so thankful for the amazing, loving people in my life. I am also learning to forgive those who hurt me so deeply. It's not easy, nor automatic, but it is necessary for many reasons. First God sent His only Son to die so that we could spend eternity with Him so what right do we have to hold anything against anyone? Second God teaches us to forgive because He knows unforgiveness only hurts us and leads to bitterness which causes us to hurt someone. By letting go of our pain we are less likely to inflict pain on others. God's ways are higher than our ways and even with all of the wisdom in the world we cannot understand Him. He has allowed, not caused but allowed this pain in your life so are you going to hold it against Him? If not, and the answer is not, then you cannot hold it against the person who hurt you. I do hope and pray those who hurt me see the truth and have a tiny understanding of what I have gone through. I would never want them to know the pain and suffering my disease caused, I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. They are the ones missing out on this great blessing and I want them to be blessed. The thing about me is that I am an authentic, genuine person. I am the same no matter who you are, where you are or where I am. Those that truly know me know this. I don't have time for foolish games or being fake. I won't do it and I won't tolerate it. I am by no means perfect but I do strive to be better each and every day. I guess what this particular pain has taught me is the overwhelming desire to advocate for those who are in pain and told it is not real even by those who should be the closest to them. Anger is not the answer, forgiveness is!

Time for spiritual healing

I haven't written anything in quite a while but I would love to start back. I want to share what God shares with me. He did not heal me just for me. One thing about living through a long very painful and unimaginable illness is the toll it takes on your body mind and soul. After such an amazing miracle you are on a spiritual high like no other. The thing is, after that much in life seems so low. I was so excited to be made new. I still want to shout it from the roof tops! But my body was so weak. After years of severe pain nausea and weakness, after spending most of my time laying on the couch, I was still very weak. I went from being on complete IV nutrition and many very strong medications to no longer needing them. It took some time to take myself off of all the medication. But I was so happy to no longer need it. Then I began to get very angry and frustrated with myself because I was still so weak. I didn't take time to realize that I had been dormant for so long that it would take time to regain my strength. I am still working on that but I am doing much better. I miss being so strong and active. My sweet Elijah never got to know me as the mommy Noah and Hope had. The mom that played video games with them, that was able to show the wonders of this world. The mom that did many fun projects with them, like cooking, planning parties, growing a square foot garden, swimming, just living in general. Thank goodness Clint is such a great daddy! Noah and Hope took up a whole lot of slack having adventures with and planning amazing parties for Elijah. Now he really gets to know me, the real me. I hope an even better me because of everything! I get a chance to be the wife Clint so richly deserves! I will strive everyday to be the wife, mother, sister, friend, and now grandmother God has created me to be!